Thursday, December 30, 2004

After Christmas Blues

The news: my home phonelines are down, I drive my mom back home today, this weekend I will blog in earnest and I am planning a makeover for truegrit. My son thinks my pic looks "disturbing". Maybe I can get a new pic taken today in the fog before I brave the roads.

I am on my old computer in my husbands filthy office. I tell you I don't think he wipes any thing off ever. He has my old IBM and it is coated with dark gray. The offscouring of a thousand grimy work days. YUK. He dreads that I am out here because I have already said some things portending a cleanup. "Don't you wipe anything off?" were the exact words I used. He ignored them... but that is only temporary. The holiday gloves are off. :) the Mr. Clean gloves are now on.... it is a new year.

Anyway, I feel like doing some graphics and promised the hubbydubby-do ( no I don't call him that...just playin' on the blog) some business cards. I feel like icy blues and something cool for colors. So I will probably redo truegrit in something like that unless a pic inspires another color scheme.

Drinking lots of tea maybe some theme-worthy blog or two on that. None of us likes Stash Earl Grey. I think the Twinings is best, myself, but Bigelow is ok. Did get some green Chai to try. And my mother loves the red box Stash Chai. so I bought some for her to take home.

I have wasted food this week... try to not feel guilty.

I do not want to drive in this dense fog.... but I miscalculated the conditions for this week; should have driven yesterday.

I hate that about myself. I must learn to follow my instincts and to strike while the iron is hot. I am a hesitater/procrastinator par excellance.

Hopefully they fix the phones soon- I want my own computer and my graphics progs.

that reminds me... I was thinking about how spoiled we get and how ungrateful- it is positively sinful, and exposed as so in light of the devastations that the news has reported daily since Christmas- the tsunami damage is horrific enough, but has dwarfed other calamities that we would normally have front-center in the news. Mucho bad news.

Does the news create more compassion or does it inurr us? I am not sure. It is hard to digest the enormity of the reports.

Still foggy. Must get going anyway. ciao.


You know those nice leather gloves I drove around town with my son to get? Yes. Yesterday he used them to make a snow man. That's right... sopping wet leather gloves drying by the stove. I calmly told him that if he ruins those gloves using them that way he never should buy anything as nice like that (or have others buy them, ahem!)

He turned his nose up at the weather-proof gloves... and those are what he should have if he wants to build snowmen! It bugged me because we have many pairs of said snow-worthy gloves around here. and he likes to go around in a leather jacket and complain about how cold it is. This is the twenty-somethings gauge of how to live life? I have no pity. I told him he should wear a decent jacket meant for the freeze- we have those available for him as well. It takes time to listen to mom's- he is hte one who bought me a cute sign...that is prominent by the back door. I have to refresh on the quote ( see I don't even pay attention). Ok, we are getting to the root of the problem here, I see.....

Monday, December 27, 2004

Today my mother is in hypermode. Talking a mile a minute with the kids... the older ones mostly. I am getting ready to get off the computer and get ready for my dr. appt.

I am glad to get out for a bit altho' I hate doctor appt.'s

I went to the appointment. Everything is stable. I am over that hurdle for the next few months.

My mother's talking has upped and -if possible- speeded in numbers of words per minute. I, in turn, get quieter....

It makes my mind mind spiral out into space.

I was out driving and took my son shopping. He wanted gloves- so we hit several stores until we found what he wanted. I bought chocolate:)

I will have to exercise for sure... it is needful to bring down the eye pressure. I tell you, if I don't start on my own by the middle of the month I will join Jazzercise or something. No more excuses.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I have lots of things I do not want to talk about... as well as those which I do not wish to think about....

I am not in angst over that, and wouldn't have thought about it except for reading a blog that had many posts on the thoughts one woman had on her mother's death.

I realized that I do not feel like talking much about my father but that unpleasant thoughts come up every once in awhile lately. I try to push them down since they are intermingled with extremely unpleasant thoughts about the Evil Woman. Who I really should not label that way. I think of how -don't want to dwell on it. It is the one thing I really question God on, but not deeply. I pretty much realize that there are unaddressed injustices in this world. I know I am not going to be exempt from this. I know I have nothing to do with how my parents were with each other or with me.

but when I happen across thoughts it bothers me just the same, so I try to ignore it...except for when reading someone elses thoughts on the subject. Then I do my usual thing of comparing how I feel with how that person does.... sort of a contrast and compare exercise. Just habit.

That habit often makes other people angry with me when I forget and express. I once had a guy, a neighbor,Christian friend who was pouring out something or other, and what I most remember about that time was the adamant way he caught me up short when I tried to say my usual point of identification with what he was saying. He said "This is about me, not you". Golly, that is still pretty fresh in my mind and it was many years ago. I was a little taken back just cause I never meant to make it about me.... but it wasn't the first time I had a reaction like that. People often don't want to know what you think about their experiences. They just want an audience. My trouble is that if I am only an audience and not actively joining in your recounting, I am probably not paying much attention to you. I am not assimilating your expression to me. And that seems a waste of everyone's time. But I have learned that sometimes a mildly agreeable and sympathetic encounter is what someone else most needs. And I am willing to accomodate that... if you need it. Sometimes that is all that is appropriate.

How did I get here? doesn't matter.

Monday, December 20, 2004

This morning I wrote a poem and posted it on the garden journal. It is really rare for me to write poetry- but the muse was at work today. I don't write well, so I son't attempt much that is expressive very often. Just every once in a great while.

Usually it comes out of depression of a certain sort... kind of a sad reflective mood.

Good thing I wrote it when I did or at this point it probably would have evaporated in the irritation I am feeling with the cacaphony of the kids. I need to get them busy on something.... the Christmas season seems to wire them into little spring loaded sprockets bouncing off each other.

Probably I am obsessing over things in an unproductive manner, as well. I kept waking up throughout the night with all sorts of meaningless worries that go nowhere. I don't usually do that, but last night was filled with it. And it has gotten very cold. I dislike cold, with the dislike deepening with the thermometer drop.

I have dwelt too much on my losses of the past couple years. I can't seem to put these things to rest in a permanent way. That makes me mad at myself. I am at the point of trying to force myself to put a lock on the book of thoughts. Which is a very hard thing to do. I'd rather come to a more natural resolve, but maybe that isn't possible for me.

Well. That is all the venting for now.... I suppose I could rant about my shopping experiences, but they weren't totally bad. I am afraid I want something for the holiday that I cannot possibly have: I want to make the people in my life act right. That is right: act right -and there is such a thing and it isn't just right according to me. Which is more of the blah blah that I am entirely tired of . Stompstompstomp.. I guess I did have a little rant hiding in there.

but I am on to other things...... looking for some positive thing to get involved with.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

too true

Saturday, December 11, 2004

peace Posted by Hello
Ilona, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

From Tickles Inkblot Test

Friday, December 10, 2004

I am a little put off with the truegrit blog server... it is out again after I wrote this really long blog that took alot out of me to write. I saved it on Notepad but still.... I will have to format it correctly once the host is back online.

I'll try to contain my irritation, after all it is a free server, and they are transferring their system to wordpress, I think. I suppose I will put up with this over the next couple months, one to get it in place and one to work the bugs out...... SIGH.

They could be like upsaid and dump my whole blog AFTER NOT LETTING ME RETRIEVE IT.

Oh. I'm sorry. Was I yelling?

Obviously I am not in the mood to post to "Happy Thoughts"

LOL WILDLY...can you imagine? Like the specter of an evil clownClown: Circus clown, Coulrophobia, Bouffon, Clown society, Evil clown, Jester, Mime artist, Rodeo clown, Grotesque, Cosmetics, Costume, Footwear, Physical theatre, Jacques Lecoq... that is what that post would promise to be.....

Thursday, December 09, 2004

People infuse meaning into all sorts of things, that is the our spiritual nature without its compass. In the light of that the Teamuse newletter has an article on "Tea and Superstition".


Find out more about Darjeeling tea, its history and its qualities.

Love me, love my graphics! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I've been shopping more often at my nearest Wild Oats, and comparing it with where I usually shop for groceries, Krogers. I have to say that Wild Oats has it over Krogers in the fresh produce portion, especially, and since they carry all Organic brands of cereals, Wild Oats usually has better buys on those types of cereals. And their yams during the Thanksgiving season were awesome. Big fat ol' things piled high in the bins. I also stopped at Andersons which was once my favorite stop for said produce.... the puny little yams were just sad. I usually got fresh breads there, too.... but now Wild Oats has won out in that dept. also. The clerks are kinda cool, :) I just like interesting people....

I guess I am paying more attention to grocery shopping,etc., since I feel our family really needs to eat healthier and practice that type of prevention. Don't you just get tired of feeling sluggish and tired? The only thing I really need to add in is more exercise.

I also was a very good womanish cronish kind of female. I made an eye appt. Long overdue and I was putting it off. I have been very remiss since last year.

Last night I also did the mom/family prayer time. No one ever joins me in this although I had invited some old friends. And last night -while I did pray- seemed very uneventful. I am just going to take it on faith that somehow God is hearing me. I struggle with doubt because I find myself so full of anger and unbelief. So much has gone badly for me in the past few years. Yet, there has been good, I don't want to discount the good. I just don't understand my life in light of what I thought I knew about God and prayer. Very confusing time.

The the end of this update.... do I write this for you or for me? My writing maximizes boring writing style while minimizing depth. That reminds me.... I have happened upon many aspiring nano-whater it is who write novels and record things about it. It made me realize how I would be so unlikely to ever desire to do that... I just do not have the writing gene. I glop through my blogging and web page writing and that is all for the sake of conversational like communication. I do love a good read, however, and find numerous talented writers on the web. I admire them... and totally without envy:) You have to think you could do something better to envy another their talent. I just enjoy.

the actual end.

Monday, November 29, 2004

My activities: I have explored the 'about atheism' forum some, read a few atheist articles on the Christians Right, explored numerous Christian blogs, checked on how the stockmarket is doing (down today), drank my daily quota of coffee, and blogged a bit.

I am getting ready to go offline, check the kids schoolwork, get something to eat for lunch, and hopefully fend off a threatening headache.

I don't want to start into my schedule..... I am majorly procrastinating. I need to load in some wood into the stove. That's all for now, folks. I will rev up sometime later today or tomorrow.

I am sure of it;)

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Today we had our first Advent devotion. It was nice to have the two boys participate before they traveled the long way to their homes in the South. We sang a few worship songs and a few carols, three of the kids took turns playing the guitar accompianment and they all played surprisingly well. Wow:)

We prayed and then hung around together before they left. Good start to the season, with one candle lit and twenty-six or so to go. Don't make me count- anything except count!

I wrote a piece for the other blog and that is the account of my day, mostly. Attended church this morning, yes.... but that actually seems long ago in my thoughts for some reason.

Friday, November 26, 2004


The Thanksgiving celebration went fairly well this year. I did struggle, but all came out well and I didn't struggle as much as some years. All Blessings. I made the whole huge feast... but it was more bland tasting than I like. I am not sure why. Maybe I tried to have too many dishes and made more bland tasting choices. Like a sun-dried tomato dressing for the salad instead of a sharp Italian type. Apple stuffing for the turkey... things like that. Everyone voiced their pleasure for the meal, but I guess I have a certain persnickety-ness on holiday food.

What went particularly well was the devotional time. Usually we cram it at the table- when everyone is sort of hungry to eat, or afterwards, when everyone is sated and just wants to lie down and digest. So this year I decided to serve some hors d'oeuvres stuff first and then gather in the living room for prayer and sharing time. It was very ...awesome. I hate to use that term, but it just was so spiritually satisfying!

I asked one of my sons and the youngest daughter to find some applicable thanksgiving scriptures, had the husband lead the prayer, and we did our usual corn kernel sharing of things we are personally thankful for.

It was relaxed, deeply open-hearted and the centerpiece of the day ( 'cause once we start serving/eating it is downhill from there as far as attention to quiet introspection) It becomes one very loud and celebratory feast.

Everything was good except for my one son not being here. That was hard, because it was not involuntary. It was a breach in the family circle. We have been there before, but this year was hopeful for unity. Maybe next year, God Willing and people agreeable. We mentioned him in our thankfulness, but he was not here to hear it.

Late into the night everyone hung around and had a good time together. Today everyone is just sort of hanging out with no real plans or demands.

I have a fluctuating, underlying depression, but it isn't out of hand and I do feel truly grateful for so many things in my life. One of the greatest antidotes for depression is a thankful heart. I swing from being thankful to feeling like such a failure. But most of the time I am ok. And I functioned for the holiday- always a great asset.

I have several things started on my other blog and hoping I don't fizzle out. Sometimes I am torn between feeling I want to put more time into the online work and feeling that I shouldn't because it leaves so much other stuff undone... and for what? I don't have lots of people I impact.. if I impact anyone -really- at all.
And my houseplants are dying for lack of attention. Most still in the basement. I am a cruel master for those poor plants.

At least I have kept at the homeschooling. But that is one area that is guaranteed to make me feel like an utter failure. I try not to personalize things so much and just keep a steady schedule. Otherwise I would probably curl up like a sensitive fern... Have been known to do that before!

If I could cut the personal downtime for agony, I would do it. Even though when I am successful I go into what feels like an emotional suspension. It is how I keep going when there is too much that I perceive as disappointing.

I don't know what I expected life should be like. It's like I accept life, but do I?
I think I have a nihilist seam running through me. I give up too easily and then hate myself for that.

I heard an interview with Max Lucado on his new book about 'coming thirsty' - that might be the title, but I didn't quite catch it. Anyway, he mentioned that the results of being thirsty spiritually are such things as these types of attitudes that I exhibit. But how often does one get to absolute dehydration and still recover?

As the prophet once said " Am I better than my fathers?" Am I better than what I seen, Lord? To what end are my expectations?

Well, enough of this... onto whatever is next.....

Friday, November 12, 2004

That Chai recipe was from the Chicago Mensa Site, btw. Check out the many interesting recipes in their "Cheap Eats" section.

I am getting ready to write another essay on the subject of being a SAHM. But in the meantime I am thinking about creative ways to try to contribute to our family's income. Seriously looking into trying ebay...since I have a veritable wealth of clutter and I always try to de-junk my life. The trouble is, as with many clutter-ers, my junk is good junk. Ebay was made the force it has become by and for people like me.

I just have to get past that initial inertia phase.... better known as procrastination. I have dabbled as far as I dare to with stocks. I am so conservative and bitty with it I am almost ashamed. But so far it sure beats the savings account. Which I still have because I am still bitty and conservative.

I ought to be a bit scared since we have no real retirement. Really. Not just poor talk there. I didn't go bust after the stock ( of which I had none) boom went bust. No, I had my own future investment boom called babies. Most of which are growing long nicely, but I amnot sure where that leaves retirement..... unless I turn out to be a VERRRRY late bloomer in the investment club trade....

I have to say that my math handicaps are a real liability. I can't figure worth beans. I pray and go with the gut... and figure things out with research.

Anyway, that is the latest with my endeavors. I looked into paralegal work, but they are changing the requirements and it is more time and money than this old bird can manage.

I figure lots of people my age are having to look with new eyes at what they can do in their years.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Want to make your own Chai?

Try this recipe:
Hindi Chai
Indian Spiced Tea

2 green cardamom pods
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
Generous dash or two ground cloves
1-inch piece of fresh ginger, grated or finely chopped (optional)
1 cup milk
1 cup water
1-1/2 Tbs. sugar
2 heaping tsp. black tea or 2 tea bags

Lightly crush the cardamom pods in a mortar, to release their fragrance. Alternately, you can crush them with a rolling pin—but do it on a piece of waxed paper or plastic wrap, so it’s easy to collect. Do not completely powder the cardamom, however, as this can discolor the tea.

In a saucepan, combine the spices, milk, and water. Bring to a boil over high heat (watch the pot carefully —boiling milk boils over more quickly than just about anything else you can cook), then reduce the heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 2 minutes. Add the sugar and tea and continue to simmer for about 1 minute longer, or until the tea has clearly released its color into the liquid.

Strain into cups and serve at once. Alternatively, you can let the strained tea cool to room temperature, then pour it over ice.

Serves 2. Enjoy.

Learn more about the terms used in 'tea culture'

Tea Glossary

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Everyone I read is being so genteel about the election, so far. That means "so far so good".

The stock market is up, and that is excellent. Yes, I care about that since inheriting a bit of stock. I have no retirement. nil. So I am very thankful to be part of the capitalists of society now. Not that stocks are a sure thing.... they are not. But even if I had much in the way of Soc. Sec. how sure is that?

I used to be sort of put-out about my parents generation. I am more mellow now. Maybe. Resigned? whatever it is. I could go into it if I was riled, but as I said....

Anyway, every generation is selfish. It is the human condition. My generation is considered the ME generation. I don't know about that. Yes and no. There was some true idealism there, but I guess that could be said of most generations, too.

Same stuff different outfits.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Here was my day. Got up late since I stayed on the computer way too long last night, rushed off bleary -eyed to a bank to clear up a discrepancy in what was supposed to be closed acct., then went to another bank to deposit a check. It was like a mausoleum. I hate buildings that are like mausoleums. The close, musty smelling vault-like feeling. Major Ick. Think of going to work in a building like that ...e.v.e.r.y. day.

Anyway, after that had a nice trip to Wild Oats natural grocery store. I hadn't been there in a couple years, but always liked it. Took a wrong turn that sent me in that direction and decided to make it good and shop for a few things. It perked me right up -buying things that are good for you and looking over the interesting herbal and organic concoctions does that.

Then I went to my voting place. They moved it this year.... so glad my husband reminded me because I was fully prepared to go to the old place ( a church). I would've gotten to the parking lot and thought "hey, where is everybody?!" But it just goes to show that there are times it is good to marry your opposite. I hit at a non-busy time and chatted with some guy in charge of making everything run smoothly. Maybe he was a challenger, but he didn't say. He did say that I was there at the quietest time all day... long lines earlier in the morning.

I'm telling you, this election is wild, in a good way. I suppose it has the makings of going sour afterwards.... but I am glad people care about their priviledge to vote.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Mixing it up a bit TOO much

I have mixed around the blogs a bit again. TrueGrit is not supposed to have all my emotive whining.... you are dear tea blog! Do we cry in our tea? Or is that something else? Cry in the whiskey? I don't remember. Maybe it's milk, but the whole purpose of having the different blogs that I kept alive was to keep their focus relatively pure.

After making the mistake of filling my website with about ten sites worth I thought I had learned the lesson. Anyway, my health is not co-operating with my wishes again. That makes me feel so old. That and if I start recording what I ate during the day.

I like elderly people alot (and now that I am getting closer to that appelation, myself- good thing!), and something I noticed about the communications of the elderly is that they spend an inordinate amount of time talking about their meals.

Although if I counted diet talk in younger ages, I suppose it wouldn't be so proportionally inordinate..... HA!

It's *that* time

Voting time, what did you think? I'm going to go out early tomorrow to vote. I can't believe how different this election is. With "challengers" and "proxy" voting, things I don't recall ever hearing about before. Did I just miss that, or is it new?

The challenger roles sound fairly intimidating. I just read of it when the local newspaper editorialized on their action of making sure a number of their journalists were challenger qualified to make sure they could get onto the voting sites for observations and all.

It seems as though voting will be encombered by all this. Previously, in my lightly populated rural area, I pretty much popped in and out, with only some waiting in the more interest-stirring elections. Now I am not sure what to expect. And if I had only paid more attention I would have realized sooner that Ohio votes on the gay marriage ban.

I have been very remiss in keeping up with the news. I thought the discussion was due to it being a controversial subject. I don't know if I would have written more on it or not, if I had realized it would be on the ballot. I haven't really come down clean on the view I hold on what the place of government is in such matters.

I do know I feel strongly that the definition of marriage should not be changed. And the traditional cultural view in almost every culture is that of the nuclear family consisting of man, woman and offspring. Protection of this has suffered assault in the past several decades. There are more than a few voices who think that the traditional family should be done away with altogether. How close are we to this in our culture? What is the outcome of redefining?

There are lots of times I just want to be left alone....let me live a quiet traditional life and leave me alone. Don't make me think of all the things that create a threat to my family life. Sometimes I am in war mode, but sometimes I just want to be left alone... and leave everyone else to their lives. Laissez faire.

but I know that is not how it works.

And tomorrow I vote. If Kerry gets it, I'll mourn, but I think that the election process is going to be a bit protracted this year and we really aren't going to know quickly.

Talk about mixing it.... political stuff was supposed to go in truegrit. I was supposed to only obsess and whine for you here. Oh well. Life is not so easily compartmentalized for some of us!

Still love me, Kerry-ites? ;)

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Ice Tea

I feel like writing about ice tea, but it's out of season, you know? At least up north here, it is. And I always drink it unsweetened anyway, which is not Southern at all. The only sweet tea I ever drink is when someone else makes it, or I am sick. Then I use honey.

I'm writing about it anyway. The best tea to make for ice tea is either good ol' Lipton or Constant Comment. Heavy bodied teas with some taste that comes through the chilling. I also buy commercial green tea with Ginseng and Honey. Usually Arizona brand.

Where's the love?

Sometimes I write my heart out for my blogs ( not this one- this one is for me). In the others, though, and I get rejection issues going. Where's my linky love? But -ok- I know that I say things that are not popular feed fodder, so what do I expect? You know what I really wonder? Whether I am simply not linked because I am mediocre.
Agghhhhhh, the pain, the thought gives painnnnn.

What I am watching

I like that School of Rock movie. My kids are watching and ...what can I say? I just like that movie. I have also been bad. I really think so. I watched some cd's of the Buffy tv show. It is highly entertaining , but very erroneous view of demonic worlds and the effects on people. And although the word 'god' is used alot... it is totally contentless.

But my fav character is Spike. The only excuse I have for myself is that I now have a closer bead on what today's generation believes about the spiritual realm, via the entertainment media anyway. But the internet has given me that, so it is redundant in that factor.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I wrote last month about the vertigo returning. I came across an exercise that is supposed to work - it is something that I read referred to on official medical sites, and I finally found it on a medical reference site... although I will have to find that url. The info I copied is this:
In general, MEP does not seem too complicated. It involves sitting on a bed and turning the head to the side of the affected ear. Next, the person lies back quickly onto a pillow and waits for 30 seconds. Then, without raising up, the head is turned face up 90 degrees for another 30 seconds. Finally, the entire body and head are turned another 90 degrees to the opposite side for a final 30 seconds. This routine is to be repeated 3 X's a day until a person feels no vertigo for at least 24 hours.

sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
I'm a little frustrated lately. Some of it is in my own distractedness, some in having to correct things on the computer ( the updates and the virus programs and numerous other things), and some with the irritating habits of some bloggers.

I keep getting called on in the most picyune stuff and addressed with the most patronizing manner. Read my links, read my posts.... as if I hadn't already. I did, I had, I do again.... but it is just patronizing junk, and I know that. I know it is personal dislike of my style, but I feel the wisest way to deal with it is just patiently move ahead. Do what they ask and then move ahead. Just because I think the things I want to say are important enough. I'd link to somebody else that said it better, but just am not coming across it. Especially with the religious sorts.

Religious sorts get under my skin. Especially when they -unknowingly or not- gut the faith they say they ascribe to. I won't argue secular subjects on a religious base. I have seen many a Christian just get creamed with that. I tend to think justifiably so, although my sympathies are with the Christian. But it is time to recognize that we deal in a secular post-Christian society and the language we speak to defend matter of doctrine and faith will have to be adjusted.

I learned that along time ago, very pre-computer days for me. I was witnessing to a neighbor and in the middle she just cut me off with "I don't believe in the Bible", etc. I was totally, I mean totally non-plussed at the time. It just shut me up... because at that time I just didn't know how to address someone who just flat-out gave the Bible no credence.

I have come a very long way from that time. I know how to engage the thinking now, but my challenge is for it to actually make a difference.

I do appreciate those Christians who are gentler than me... especially some of the women bloggers. I wish I could be as comforting, but this is not how I was made. Too bad for me, really. But I know that God knows what He is doing. I really have behaved myself very politely in the blogging world, but I guess it is not polite enough. I don't know whether it is because I eat too many locusts or what.

that's a joke ;)

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Blue Cat's Graphics - Original Cat and Non-Cat Stuff.

This is posted as a public service to all you cat-lovers out there... super nice graphics and all the cats and kitties your heart could desire. Even Anime Cat icons! And cat folders... and kitty Firefox themes...well, you get the picture.

Friday, September 24, 2004

In sort of a punk mood today. The vertigo/dizzy thing returned and it is slower going away this time. Major inconvenience. It seems tied to hormones, but maybe not... it might be a Potassium thing. I think that because it seems better after I get more potassium via orange juice or something similar. Leaning towards the thinking that this is part of the problem.

What it means for my real life is that while I might not mind puttering away on the computer, etc. this time of year needs to be high gear for me..... and I am presently spinning my wheels in bouts of vertigo. Blah.

Oh well. I find myself saying alot lately, Oh well!

Still learning things about the stock market. AS always, it's when everyone else is full of the scarey stories: the market is in a downturn, don't buy stocks. I've been in the lower economic demographic for a long time.... I don't know if that makes me more worried about risk or more of a risktaker. But I have to try to make some income in one way or another. I get more scared of the job market, actually.

If I ever make any money, maybe I will think about getting my own domain for my garden page... now that is thinking big :)

I feel like Sarah in some ways... you know how she laughed when God promised her a son? It's like the dream is so big that you laugh , like oh that would be wonderful....but can I dream that big? That is how I am when I think that I could do a business or actually get my life together, or not be struggling financially. I sort of believe it, but I sort of LOL, you know?
Anyway. We have our new school books now, so the children are sticking pretty close to a school schedule.

The house is two thirds done in the painting renovation. Hopefully I will feel physically good enough to repair the gardens this week. And do my fall cleaning... with the waxing/buffing floors stuff. What a wimp I am. I sort of wilt just thinking about it. But it has to get done... and there ain't no one else to do it....

It isn't really these little things, it's that I made decisions to go ahead with some very challenging things. Like get the house remodeled for my Mom to move in next year. That is so major, I need to just focus on day to day. There is lots more, but I am not putting anything online about it yet.

Seeing things in writing.... sometimes it is hard to list everything in writing and look at it. This is where my own type of cowardice is revealed. But I know that what I normally do with this is to bind up the midsection with duty and fortitude and go ahead just 'cause it's got to be done. Doesn't matter how personally scared I get. Just do the deed, dude.

Anyway, that's where I am at. At the moment.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I was writing in my other blogs and almost felt there were pixies throwing in the typos...but I know it is just because I am so tired. I am finally finishing up the stock market stuff for the executor responsibilites. I only need to get some of the important papers off for the taxes and I can take a breather.

I think I can take a breather...sometimes I fool myself.

Probably defending my mind from myself or something..... heh.

Well...sorry old spicey tea blog, but I am plumb written out. This is all for now.

Monday, September 06, 2004

One of the best gifts I ever got for one of my kids was a little screen bug house. I have a child who is interested in all things "nature" and she was always collecting insects and things, so I came across a nice size bug house and bought it for her. She uses it all the time, although some of the living things have met an early demise, at times. I try to remind her to let things go, after a reasonable observation time.

We have butterfly nets, and that provides some entertainment, but the bug house has been the best and most used contraption of its kind.

Magnifying glasses are also very useful, along with identification books.

Not every child is engrossed with these types of activities, but most have an interest in finding out more about their world. It competes with athletic activities in outdoor time.

Organizing the various collections of rocks, seeds, shells and other such things are sometimes part of building my childrens interests. I have never been the best at organizing, but my children seem to really like such things that go along with that, such as scrap booking.

That is something else I was really glad I started with them, but it does go over much better with the girls than the boys. I think I will have to spring for a digital camera for my older son to have an interest.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

I hate flash. It gives me a headache.
Generic Blog Day.

I decided to use one of the nice new blogger designs.... it will take me awhile to customize it, especially at my pace of blogging! I saved the other template.... so I will be able to either resume the old ways ( not likely) or more likely just change the basic design to be more of what I want it to be.

Today I am basically happy ( relatively speaking ). It is tentative and it wouldn't take much to tip it out of balance, but I am thankful for the present good feelings. Thank you, Lord.

I have done a bit of creative work on the truegrit layout. That was fun except for my obsessive tweaking...had to align that quote div right with the horizon in the picture. And who knows how other browsers would render it anyway! But I love that obsessive saving/rebuilding/viewing. Hours of it.

I work in Frontpage to get an idea of things -but it changes all the blog codes. Very irritating. So I can't use it for seriously changing the page. I do use it for regular html work, though. Then I only have minor tweaking.

Friday, August 13, 2004

You know it's been a long time since posting when you forget your password! But then I recalled it and here we are.

No one bothers to read anything updated as poorly as this..... soon it will be my truly secret diary:)

Anyway, the main reason for blogging today is that I will soon be launching into homeschooling mode. I am kind of an old and tired homeschooler.... sometimes you could substitute most any title in the homeschooler space, but familiarity breeds - compliance! Whatever. I am a little too serendipitous here. Too free thinking in the worst sort of way. I will soon be sending away for the new books. A little late, but I have plenty of stuff to get going on before that.

The one thing I will have to do this year is make a scholastic plan for at least one of the kids. I usually don't do a formal one, but she is really struggling and I will need to have something structural to work with to get her past her difficulties. So out come the big guns: lesson plans, academic goals, and resources purchased to implement them. Remedial drill stuff, mostly.

None of my children seem alike, they have such varied personalities and abilities. Where did we come from?

Oh well. This was what the evaluation tests were good for: pinpointing the weaknesses and strengths and outlining where to beef up the coming years lessons.

I have to start the real sit-down sort of schooling soon.... it is best to get into the habit earlier rather than later. But sometimes it makes me tired to think of it.

I don't sound enthused, do I? I get more excited when we start on actual learning. Usually. Hopefully.

This is the marathon .... the last couple kids to prepare for life.

Now that sounds scary, doesn't it? :)

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Yikees! Look how long it's been. That means that no one bothers to check this blog anymore. You, dear reader, just happened here on a lark, right?

My mother was here for a week and that displaced all blog time. I drove to get her and drove her back- all in day trips. Then on the way here we had to get her dog to the kennel. My home is sure death for that dog. If he doesn't run out on the road, my huge dog would no doubt do him damage. Or else ...being a min. schnauzer he would just start to run and keep on running. And there are miles to cover before we would know where to look. Nightmare, absolute nightmare. So I am glad my mom wanted her doggie safe in a kennel for the week.

Things with the visit went well. Another surprise. Usually we have "tiffs", but not this time. I suppose because I did not lose my temper when she did the "weeding" of my pinks and moss phlox. I got over that sort of thing years ago after she proudly rooted out all my campanula cochlearfolia. That was the last my garden had of that. Only one scare this time: she wanted to "prune" my mugho pine. You cut that baby back to old growth and it is gone! So I am glad she asked me. Other than that, she did a good job cleaning out the areas I had sanctioned. Looks much, much neater; and I would never have found the time to do that ( wasn't on the agenda).

My mother likes to weed in the garden... and cut the bangs on child's hair; but that is another story. She will also groom your dog, if it is one of those little dogs like my sister's Shih Tzu.

Then it was on to executor work. I should be finishing up this coming month. Hopefully.

Next week my Uncle is coming for an overnight stay. My Dad's youngest brother, so I'll see if he wants to look through any of my Dad's family stuff or not. My Dad saved all sorts of letters and Christmas cards, etc. Not that there was lots of quantity, but it goes back a long ways.

My garden got a little work put into it, but then I got waylaid. I am in the midst of probably 100 irons in the fire. You think I surely exaggerate. I'll let you think that.

It's crazy how I live sometimes. Makes no real sense. Gots to go...maybe I will sneak in another audioblog.....

Monday, July 12, 2004

I was going to audioblog last night, but then just didn't feel like it. I don't like the phone very much. People who know me well know this fact... and now you!

I posted some more serious stuff on truegrit. I amnot a funny person normally... only by the occasional accidental "Wow-I was kinda funny". Mostly I am serious and that makes me sort of an Eeyore wet-blanket dead serious type. Good in a pinch though.

I had a long rambling post up in my thoughts, but my life is calling to me to do all the hardcore work that I have to do. Common laborer stuff.

You know what would make a funny post? If I used the replace all option on the spell-check and you got the machines version of what I write. But maybe funny only to me...just gobbled idiocy to you......oh....wait.....

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

You can always tell when a blog is made by someone who is technologically proficient AND organized. Which in my mind are synonymous characteristics, but probably aren't.

Those sorts of blogs are usually minimalist in styling, but highly pleasing in aesthetics. They have all these neat and tidy categories that help you navigate through the posts and topics.

Then you have the distractable types like me... trying desperately to pull things together and using all sorts of styles and gizmos to get it all to work.

There are those who transport their love of websites to blog form... but these always seem more like a website than a blog. Yes, there is a large difference in my opinion. That doesn't make it official by any means. (See how humble I can be when talking about something I have no real grasp of?) ( See how I will ignore those who feel that is my usual modus operandi and that it cloaks an enormous ego?).

I don't mean to have a treatise on blogging... I just was admiring the exceptional organizational traits that some people exhibit through their blog structure and design.

Go ahead and pop my bubble and tell me that software could have done all this for me too!

Monday, July 05, 2004

this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Well, folks, that was another rather sad audio from me. I have had some truly head-shaking reality checks of late. How I go blank on tape, what I look like in a digital pic.... I don't know if I want this much reality all at once.

My next audio will address people I know. That is my plan to try to get more comfortable with recording. The problem is that I have absolutely no idea where I want those audio posts to go. I don't do well with filling up purposeless space with meaningless fluff.

...or maybe I do and ..... help me! My written is about as bad as my recorded post at this point.
this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, July 01, 2004

I just looked at a "Klingon" blog.

I am sorry. I didn't get the point.

It is sort of like when you are a kid and you want a secret language for you and your friends... before you discover how hard it is for people to really understand each other anyway, and that secrets aren't power, but communication is....

Just blew steam.

Are you ready? I will soon make another audio blog.

Alright. So the first was disappointing, th egirl has just got to hit her grooove. Yeah, baby.

( and no, you will not catch me talking like that AUDIBLY; I save that for the online interactions of my inner mind;)

And speaking-sort of- about that, I hardly ever wink. But you have to do that all the time with those little emoticons.

Lately I am full of dreams... the kind where you are planning something, not the sleeping kind. But I don't have any idea what will do with them. They are very difficult to accomplish and I have a constricted amount of time to work with.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, June 25, 2004

What a let-down. I tried and tried to contact audioblog, but they were down for maintenance... and then I did the famous 'put my back out". This time very badly. Couldn't crawl without pain. I cried from the frustration. It made me think of people who face that type of debility every day.

I can't imagine.

I will try to call again...although I started to think, maybe it will cost a fortune in long distance??? Well, I plan to learn the hard way. When I get the bill. heh.

Now I am back on the computer after my brief 'sick leave'. OK, that's it, I don't feel like any depth today. Going to peruse the old blogroll.

Friday, June 18, 2004

I was too distracted and didn't settle down to compose myself for the first audio. Yes, I am like that.

Ever clean a toilet? Think about this nightmare.

I mean who thinks up these things? The new rococo .... good grief.
I am going to tryout the free audioblogger on this page. The idea of making a fool of myself scares me a bit... but I will get over it. Whether with self fulfilled prophecy or with unfounded fears shall be seen. Or heard.

I almost did last night, but two things put me off: I wasn't sure I wanted the sound of the fan in the background, and it was late at night... tempting me to late night confessional. Not good for tentaive posting.

I'd like to do just one or two to hear my own voice. It always sounds different than you think it will. Bon Chance to me. And no, I probably will not show off my horrid French pronunciation.

Also, I'm changing the page a bit. Just tweaks for now.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I learned a new word today, "colophon". I don't know why, but there are very few new words that I learn anymore. It is not like I know them all... it is more that it is highly unusual for people to use a more imaginative vocabulary.

I'm guilty of late, aussi.

Anyway here is what that word means:

An inscription, monogram, or cipher, containing the place and date of publication, printer's name, etc., formerly placed on the last page of a book.

col·o·phon ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kl-fn, -fn)
An inscription placed usually at the end of a book, giving facts about its publication.
A publisher's emblem or trademark placed

thanks to my online dictionary of choice.

I saw it on someone's label for the usual blogging props.


I have noticed a correlation:

When I am on the computer alot, I snack alot. I don't know why -but it makes me voraciously hungry. And nothing short of a day of swimming and sunning could possibly make me that hungry.

I think this is why I gained weight this past year. Well, and the stress. Can't forget that contribution... but it used to be that I didn't eat when I was stressed......

I think I am more calm now maybe. I don't get that "stomach tied in knots" thingy anymore. I eat and be happy instead. Not good for the cholesterol levels...or anything else really.

I need to find other coping mechanisms. My husband suggests sex. I just laugh him off ;)


Again, I am blogging too much. No reason really, just sort of got in the flow and it swept me away. Maybe I just don't want to get back into my obligatory stuff. That is probably part of it.

Maybe it's the weather. Yes, that's it. I'll blame the weather.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I am a little put out by the rainyness and otherwise oppressive dampness, but underneath is some of the sun-instilled optimism of my vacation respite. Not quite ready to break out in a rendition of "I feeeeel GOOD!" but still buoyed.

I am more aware of how the little nastiness of life and people's dogged attempts at creating mindless trouble are the sources of lots of general depression. I must learn to dismiss that... and not to indulge in it myself. I think that is the only way to stay afloat in a more positive frame of mind.

This is my post for now... I'll add to it later....maybe. I just have lots I am doing on the computer. Virus-busting for instance.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Hidey-Ho! I am back from vacation. I posted in truegrit ( twice ;)..... and now forgot what I was going say here. Oops.

Um, I think it was about how hot it is here, hot and humid. And about the herbal pro-biotic that my sister recommended. I found it while at a great health food place in South Carolina, Earth Fare. It's called Primal Defense. Hopefully it helps me; even though it was 25% off it costs quite a bit. I'm not even sure what all it is s'posed to do, but she recommended it and I thought I would give it a whirl.

I walked the beach alot, and baked in the sun, although baking is something I don't usually do. I just figured the sunshine and sea air would improve me. It did. I think I needed two more weeks though. South Carolina is a bit hot at this time of year- I prefer Apr-May.

We spent a day at Middleton Gardens, but it was not so much a garden as a historical site. Magnolia Gardens -which we visited last time we were in Charleston was a more satisfactory garden.

Friday, May 28, 2004

I woke up with a terrible sore throat today. The family has been going through a lousy sort of cold virus and now it is my turn. So far, I still breathe. heh.

While I still feel good enough I am going to eat some cheescake..... not just any kind, but one made with lemon mascarpone mousse filling. And I will enjoy every calorie laden bite.

I have been sleeping better and that is a good thing. Well... the cheescake calls!

Monday, May 24, 2004

I keep putting the spiceytea posts in other blogs...bad me. It is spring and I am working everything like crazy. Everything...all at the same time. Let me tell you, this does not feel good to do. But it makes headway into the obligations. I have lots I want to post in truegrit, but get bogged down by either emotions or demands on my time. This is a good thing, it keeps me from blathering about silliness. By the time I put together something, hopefully it will have thought behind it. Always best for putting something in th epublic review. Ha!

Besides, I want to say really awful things about some of my relatives sometimes. Can't do that. Major regrets if I do.

The humidity makes me feel sloggy, too. that is sluggish and bloated, and was meant to be shorthand, but I just now didactically ruined it. I have no finesse. Truth.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Want to know who I used to want to look like ( in my early teens)? Marianne Faithfull. I used to want to look like her and sing like her. At that time she was my favorite female rock star.

I just came across some site that mentioned her and then did a look-up to see what happened as the years ensued. Wild. While she not much regretful, it is a sad story to read. But she seems to have come out OK -free from heroin addiction and doing new things in her career. Good for her. Check out the history on some of your own favs: swinginchicks of the sixties

Thursday, April 29, 2004

The days have been good. And today, with lovely warm weather, I enjoyed homemade bread with butter, excellent coffee, and I felt really great. Things are going better than usual... and when it is like that I fully enjoy it, but I also have thoughts about those who are having a hard time. I don't know why my mind works that way. I am not feeling guilty or anything, but I think about the young men and women in Iraq, and how much they must miss their homes and how difficult their circumstances are,,, not even mentioning that their lives are at risk each day and they must, in war circumstances, be seeing heart wrenching things. Things that most of us here in the States cannot even imagine. Even with media coverage.

I think about Christians who are being horribly persecuted and minorities who are srtuggling in countries where their lives are persecuted in the most terrible ways.

I send up prayer dart to the Lord to help and bless these people. And I realize that for myself within my peace and comfort I am just grateful.

And I hope better things for them.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Thanks to Blogger, I now have a GMail account. I am pretty happy with it...just from looking through. I haven't actually tried using it yet, simply because I decided to keep it for particular purposes. I have no idea how it handles spam, so I am reticent to put it out in public on blogs and in sign-ups. I used to use a Netscape mail, but that was so awful due to no control of incoming messages. It is a cesspool of spam. I retain it for the sake that it is an email for some of the website services I signed up for.

But I hate cleaning out all the spam. Yahoo has been pretty good and I use hotmail for sure spam sources. I figure that it will be the spam filter for me, I just delete 98% of the mail that goes to that address.

It would be more efficient to have the internet control the spammers, but until then.....
multiple email accounts. But keeping all those passwords.... yowie.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

All classics that you have read in bold letters:

1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt (
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce - I tried, just couldn't
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins

Via amiinvisibleorwhat

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Just Like a Dream had something to pass the time. Perfect distraction for the languishing: another list.

If I were a month I would be: November
If I were a day of the week I would be: Sunday
If I were a time of day I would be: Late night
If I were a planet I would be: Uranus
If I were a sea animal I would be: Sea Anemone
If I were a direction I would be: NNE
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a bedside table
If I were a sin I would be: Sloth
If I were a historical figure I would be: Anne Bradstreet
If I were a liquid I would be: pina colada smoothie
If I were a tree I would be: a crabapple
If I were a flower/plant I would be: moonflower
If I were a kind of weather I would be: drizzle
If I were a musical instrument I would be: a cello
If I were an animal I would be: A lemur
If I were a color I would be: lime
If I were a vegetable I would be: A parsnip
If I were a sound I would be: distant rumbling
If I were an element I would be: Barium
If I were a car I would be: a family sedan
If I were a song I would be: "Fortress Around Your Heart" by Sting
If I were a movie I would be directed by: maybe Tim Burton
If I were a book I would be written by: Beatrice Potter
If I were a food I would be: sweet-hot condiment
If I were a place I would be: a grotto
If I were a material I would be: Linen
If I were a taste I would be: Salty
If I were a scent I would be: violet
If I were a word I would be: convoluted
If I were an object I would be: a wineglass
If I were a body part I would be: Islets of Langerhans
If I were a facial expression I would be: knitted brow
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Mighty Mouse
If I were a shape I would be a: Freeform
If I were a number I would be: 5

Thursday, April 01, 2004

The Top 10 Things They Never Taught Me in Design School

Really good to keep in mind. Reprinted from Michael McDonough who has a teeny-weeny font-text, but pretty pictures.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

My, my, my. I found a little essay-post that explores the act of self-censoring. "Eventually, always being the protagonist starts to feel like the lie it is."

That is one way to look at it. And I am sure that those of us who portray ourselves on the web are guilty of that to a certain extent ( and truthfully, there are some who are way beyond "certain extent"); but I have tended to look at some of this from a different perspective.

Sometimes we self-censor as an act of kindness.... for others. Sounds like denial doesn't it? or rationalization... or prevarication....? I don't think so. When first on the web, I made a website. A personal one. It began with an extreme sort of positive censoring. I felt I had some positive things to share, but being a normally negative person, with very dark things going on in my mind, I felt that I had learned that those things were unwelcome and unhelpful for many others. They needed the lovely, not my poor attempts and flailings. Not unreal lovely, just free from my inner doubtings and strugglings. Except for my rants and blogs in the opinion section it stays in that form. Others needed the good I had found, the useful that I had learned, not my strugglings in getting there with all the distractions of those details. Then I would be in danger of becoming that pretentious protagonist, for sure.

Some censorship is, rather, an appreciation of the fine and the rare. Based in the scripture from the book of Phillipians. It is the motivation to aspire and inspire, rather than to wallow.

ALthough wallowing is something I do quite well, vis a vis this blog.

Well, the essay was interesting to me. I am presently too depressed to further explore. Everything goes surface for me when I feel like this. Like trying to stay afloat when so much inside is pulling me under. Grasping the lifesaver float. I need some of that "whatsoever is lovely", myself, right now.

"what a pretty life you have". No. not pretty here either, but a bit too complex to properly assess in a blogpost.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Well, well, well. Upsaid has done the force your hand sort of thing. Buy or we terminate you.

So it is on to putting together a new blog for the opinions part of my online life. The only problem will be a format that fits in the frame on my website. I chose tblog despite the fact that it won't fit. I also had a live journal experiment. I must choose again.

Oh the choices.

Anyway, here are the urls- not that I will be able to do a quick job of moving everything and changing all the pointers that soon. I am being lackadaisical about the web lately. I am reading more, and have been slightly better about my daily obligations stuff. Plus it is getting nice outside. And since I don't make any money being online, it seems a shame to tether myself unnecessarily to the computer. Right?

I will have more interesting fodder- though less often if I actually live my life and report things rather than create from my interior. Although that might get interesting it would probably be in a morbid sort of way.... sort of like it has been this last winter. Who needs a fifty year old Goth?

Here are the urls:

Friday, March 19, 2004

A Name Game

If you call me firefornow, you know me from when I raised hell on the Delphi forums-to do battle,(ahem, of course)
If you call me Ilona, you could be most anyone I have met in some way.
If you call me Mom, you could be one of any ten people.
If you call me Honey, you are the lady at the grocery store.
If you call me Mrs. [husband's last name], you are one of my kids friends .
If you call me stupid, you are going to find me up in your face, with a scary smile on my face.
If you call me Ilona-Balogna, you were one of those bully kids on my elementary school lot- I might have fought you.
If you call me lady, you really don't know me at all.

Upsaid is down for basic accounts like mine for an undetermined amount of time. Server overload, I guess. So here I am with unusual amounts of activity for this blog. But I keep most of my religious and political opinions off this blog. It seems important to separate the streams of tone. Although I am no purist. Too bad, really. If I could keep things more serious and focused I might not have been a half bad writer with some meaningful things to say.

But I go haywire every once in awhile and I act silly or get angry and uppity. Ruins the mood. Distracts people. I have already given up on Xanga. It had no direction. And three blogs are hard to keep up as it is.

==============odd funny stuff I found

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

~from The Washington Posts Style Invitational

via this site where you can check out this "weird art".
Open Brackets has perfectly wonderful French words to use!
cagoterie: zealous, bigoted devotion; fla-fla: self-consciously pretentious, à la keeping up with the Jones’s, and suivez-moi-jeune-homme: (literally: follow-me-young-mans) the ribbons on women’s bonnets.

Aren't those wonderful? For those who love things about languages, check out Gail Armstrong's site. But be forewrned that if you use any of these above referenced words.... it is possible that no one will understand what you are talking about. So which is it? As the culture goes -so goes the language or the reverse? Armstrong doesn't say, but discusses bygone and obsolescent words.

And say it is not true: Gobbledegook is going the way of the Dodo bird. Noooooooo.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

I watched a number of movies this week. As usual, lately, I didn't sleep very much. Not sure what that will end up doing to me in the long run...but for the short run, I find I am very easily distracted ( losing my place more than usual) and I blogged excessively in the truegrit blog.

Then I felt ashamed.

I do that.

Anyway, the movies I saw were "Radio", "School of Rock", and that last Dylan one. I have to remember, ..."Masked and Anonymous" ? I think that was it.

No, silly, I never pick the movies.

My husband and my family have a far greater appetite for Hollywood entertainment, so they are always picking the movies; but here's the rub, t'is I that stays awake and watches... or previews for the kids, or whatever.

That translates into the de facto of watching too much _stuff_.
I bet it isn't healthy for my mind.

Anyway, Liked Radio and cried. Cuba is great, and the story was uplifting.
Liked "School of Rock". Liked it alot, but know I must resolve how I view the moral inconsistancies in it. I mean, the reality of letting someone highjack your kids from school and teach major life lessons in rebellion.... na-no. But the offset of the movie was that there were some real lessons in the fact that kids are people, and Black relayed a real respectfulness sans obsequiousness in how adults should relate to kids. And how everyone has a gift and ought to be part of the grand program. Plus, it was funny. Black is just plain funny, th ewild and crazy guy.

You want me to comment on Masked....? I would probably have to see it at least once more, probably twice. It covered too much in too veiled a manner to get quickly to the gist.

But it was sort of an annoying movie. So I would have to designate it as important enough to sit through a couple more times.

And this from someone who so loved Clockwork Orange that I viewed it countless times.

Although I will not now watch it again.

We have only so much life, People.

that is it...except I notice more and more blog burnout. Maybe like websites, it is suffering from popularity, which on the internet tends to disintegrate the community feel.

(ps: typos are the bane of my internet existance, my typos that is)

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

100 THINGS more than you really wanted to know......

1. I am complex
2. but sometimes I would rather be simple
3. I take too long to say something, a living run-on sentence.
4. I like color, especially saturated color
5. I gravitate towards purples, but like greens, too.
6, I say "I" too much and this exercise doesn't help.
7. Because I am an introvert, an extroverted introvert.
8. that is why I keep engaging you
- I sometimes talk to people in lines ( grocery store,etc)
9. Talked to a grocery clerk about his blue hair and fingernails, once;
found out his favorite color was green,
but he felt he looked better in blue.
10. I think people are surprising and interesting
11. But little actually surprises me.
12. I might be jaded.
13. I have many children. I don't have time to gossip.
14. I do, however use the computer as an intellectual escape.
15. I tell myself that lots of things are intellectual.
16. people call me stubborn
17. I call myself convinced.
18. usually, I don't like euphemisms
19. I sometimes make allowances.
20. I focus intensely
21. I have trouble with my eyes
22. Sometimes I bore easily ( yeh, it works both ways)
23. I love magnanimity
24. I value truth over most everything else
25. which makes me a little hard to take
26. which I don't always understand, but am resigned to
27. I think associative thinking is fun
28. I think figuring out peoples patterns of behavior is fun
29. my mind is always busy
30. that is not a good thing
.... it interferes with me being actually busy in RL
31. I value people more than things
32. but I have sometimes been confused about that
33. I love different cultures
34. I often study them
35. I like Middle Eastern music and belly dance
36. I like different cuisines
37. The weirdest food I tried was eel
38. I won't tell you what I thought of it
... I like a little suspense
39. but not much... I hate horror movies
40. I went to Europe once, unexpectedly, and I am grateful for that experience.
41. I am half Hungarian.
42. I got the idea that made me superior, but I have different ideas of what is good about me now.
43. I became a born again Christian when I was 21. Age of emancipation.
44. I retain my individuality and unusualness.
45. Sometimes to my chagrin.
46. When I was a teenager I studied how to be popular from books.
47. I found out it wasn't worth the effort
48. I study from books alot. That is how I learn.
49. I am quick to give something a try if it seems worthwhile.
50. I am too quick to dispose of ideas
51. I procrastinate
52. I diddle-daddle
53. I try to make myself do one thing useful or worthwhile everyday
54. I don't always succeed
55. I tend to be melancholic
56. My faith helped me quit smoking cigarettes
57. I don't have the scary temper I used to
58. I still have anger issues at times
59. Beautiful days in the garden make me happy
60. gardening is a major coping mechanism for me
61. plus I am good at it
62. I just don't have enough time for everything I like to do.
63. I am basically compassionate
64. but I have a tough exterior
66. I refuse to be intimidated
67. I have gotten in trouble because of that
68. More suspense. I tell people lots, but I have an inner reserve.
69. I look normal on the outside;)
70. I used to exercise, and have to start again.
71. I like to debate, but question its usefulness
72. I am intp in the Myers-Briggs- but you knew that from my sidebar.
73. I am not as sure about my conclusions as when I was young.
74. But I am dead-on sure about my faith in Christ Jesus.
No thanks to me, but lots of thanks to Him.
75. I love chocolate
76. Strawberries are a favorite, as are all berries.
I am just the berries, what can I say?
77. I am a very brunette kind of person.
I was always the Midwestern Library Girl
when it was the rage to be the California Surfer Girl.
78. I am glad about that now.
79. I drink way too much coffee. The real stuff only.
80. I am a real kind of person.
Cotton, food, wood, laughter, it doesn't matter so long as its real.
81. I have told you way too much already.
82. I am a dilletante
except in two areas my life forced otherwise: having children and gardening.
83. Forced in the sense of my choices.
I have always made my own choices
84. Not all good and not all happy, but that is my philosophy of how life is.
It also has good and happy.
85. I haven't wanted to be someone else since I was in Kindergarten.
I wanted to be that cute little blonde girl, then.
86. I have few heroes.
87. I do highly respect certain people.
88. I believe in the basic dignity of man
89. but sometimes I would like to shake some people.
90. I don't like for people to ditch in lines. Or tailgate.
91. I like comedies, and I cry easily when watching tearjerker movies.
92. I like most dogs and dislike most cats.
But their personalities make a difference.
93. I won't have animals in the house.
We are enough animals as it is. ( that was not a philosophically
definitive statement.heh.)
94. I am too serious and maddeningly didactic.
95. I studied the dictionary and World Book Encyclopedia on my lunchtimes in my youth.
96. I love love love Gypsy Flamenco dancing.
97. I am a down to earth Midwesterner in outlook.
98. I care little about what is thought about that.
99. I delight in wild birds. Except starlings.
Someone needs to bring back blackbird pie and market it through McDonalds.
100. I could probably go on for quite awhile now that I am on a roll.
People encourage me to their detriment.

for those who can't get enough
I wrote something for my webpage a couple years ago.
My Likes and Dislikes

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I don't know what it is with me lately. I'm up, I'm down, encouraged, then discouraged. All over the place and I still have some trouble sleeping. I have lots of trouble being productive.

I know it has been a hard year.... my husband calls it the hardest year of his life. but sometimes I think he hijacks my pain and then I have to center on him. But sometimes I think I am all there you go. Lots of momentum to nowhere;)

I do feel encouraged spiritually -generally right now. That is a plus. I feel somewhat hopeful for this year, actually. One thing I have been doing is force my focus on accomplishing things. Made some lists, whixh is something that I hadn't done in quite awhile. A list always means something or 'nother will possibly get done. Did everything but make the dr. appt.s

Just keep procrastinating that. And the gardening.... I haven't done any gardening.

I do know that I would like a pause button for life.

but it doesn't come with that. I would probably use it too much, anyway.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

I finally did it. I bought a digital camera... and now comes the learning curve. What a learning curve it proves to be! Just looking for the right camera was totally confusing. I only half researched -which is not like me, but that is what I did.

Ended up buying a Sony. Went looking for a Nikon, but ran into one of those blah-blah supercilious salesmen types. He just kept saying: discontinued discontinued and then looked at me like I was stupid.

But I half knew I wanted a Sony (it was 2nd choice). I overlooked the attitude because I really wanted the camera in a right-now sort of way. I am tired of repeated trips to business places.

So! I have my camera, a book to guide me through, and I just have to experiment a bit. YAY :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Groundhog Recipes Either they will just love this idea.... or it can mean nightmares for the more sensitive? Don't know, but aghhhh, the hedgehog cake is too much. Like eating Miss Tiggy-winkle. Mr Bill's voice in the background, "Noooooo,nooooo".

This site has some other sorts of foods that look delicious without the emotional angst.


Wednesday, February 11, 2004


Ok, I love this sort of post.

I don't know why.

I think it was that last sentence, "Tis the season to be a lonely, bitter wench."
It just amused me no end.....

I could'a done without some of the comments, however.......
I am thinking of my father again.

My father locked out love; he wouldn't allow it entrance. Instead he sought for lust from his different girlfriends, and then for sympathy as substitutes.

There is a lesson that it teaches me: a person should not scorn love.

We might want to separate out the demands and obligations along with expectations and images that are illusory, but the kernel of love is something we shouldn't scorn and keep outside our doors.

We judge so poorly, oftentimes. What a terrible thing that is. A well of sadness.

Love is very rich in its variations. No one has to be without it. They may not always have the romantic love they want, or the filial type, but there is often a form of it somewhere in ones life.

It does have to be rendered in some manner though. None of us is without selfishness.

But, I do know there are reasons people become hardened. Perhaps it is an indictment on our idea of love that we take so little patience with considering that.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Unfortunately I resumed taking online tests. Here is the newest:

Friday, January 30, 2004

I never used to believe that it would help my problems very much to discuss them. I talk quite a bit once I get going, and don't mind discussing most things, but usually kept my innermost problems to myself.

I have been almost confessional on some of my blog posts, and am finding it does do some good after all. It has defused some things, helped dissipate some of their power.

So now I see why writing in a journal is reputed to be healthy.

I talked for a long time with an aunt this evening. Hugely long time. I don't know if that is really what I need in terms of talking about the past, etc. But sometimes it is, and sometimes it is about others needs. My father's birthday comes up soon.

Don't you wish you could rewrite others people's lives around you sometimes?

I never wish it in an actual way...but sometimes in a wishful thinking way. Not so it would be as I like completely, but because I feel they could be happier...only if....

Ridiculous point of view, but I think that way sometimes.


I am ranting on and on about Christian doctrine in my truegrit blog, but nobody cares. Or probably, they don't like it very well. Long religious things are not to most people's tastes. Most people want something to lighten and lift their day.

Chaque a son gout.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

a couple last things.... nobody buys anything from me :( I got my report from Amazon. $0.00 again ... I will never add to that paltry 1.75 from last year. I am a bust at business.

I will try to work on my webstuff better this year, maybe. I have tried out a number of blogs, and now will have to delete some. That is right... I opened up several more, just to see the format. But practically speaking there is no way I can handle the three I have now. One of the tea blogs will have to bite the dust in a couple months. Probably xanga. I don't creates angst. You get attached to this stuff.

The other thing is that I ran across some sites on Narcissism. Don't ask me how...just unfortunate web-linking. Anyway, it has caused me to revisit thoughts about my dad. And then look at my own life in ways that make me - I am lost for the word. Like sad, like deflated and flat, like upset but resigned. Know a word that encompasses that?

My dad was truly a narcissist, and I have to look at whether I am an invert type in a way, but I don't really think so. I have some of the symptoms, but most are of the past. And I had a sort of natural resistance, perhaps from things my mother instilled in me? I don't know. And my relationship with God short-circuited some of the really detrimental parts.

But some stuff is there, and certainly I haven't worked out some of what went on with my dad. He was awfully important to me. And in the last of his life I gambled and lost at trying to genuinely help him and yet retain my own life. If you know narcissists you know what that sentence means. It is very hard to be in relationship with one and still retain yourself. You accept the objectification, or you risk detonating the relationship.

I risked and lost. By the time I had access to my dad's life, he and his accomplice had lost too much of his physical ability to recover -or even to be comforted. I know it is not all that woman's fault, but it was some. And some was my fault. Much was my dad's fault, and some is probably unknown to me; maybe forever. But I don't know if the lines will ever be clear.

So when I come across something like those info sites.... I attempt to lay things to rest.

But they have been haunting me.
Only short stuff since I started the theological treatise (?!!) on truegrit. I sewed the head back on the bear for one of my little girls last week. Only took a year or so to get to it. heh.

In homeschool we read some material on ..... are you ready..... I have to look it up: the reticular formation of the brain. It was very complex. I will have to have us re-read after we are done with the rest of the booklet.

Fascinating stuff..... on how we program to expect certain things, and thus can fool ourselves. Prejudice in other words. Our brains actually function to have a sort of prejudice in judgement.

It is useful in important ways, I can see that. It keeps us from having to process all the information anew each time, it gives us a trusted base to work from in our decision and action. We have to learn some things, after all....can't approach all sensory input as totally new, we would never get anywhere.

But the whole concept of how that works makes other things about our thinking very suspect. I know we have checks and balances elsewhere... but that wasn't in this booklet. Just the fact that we catch ourselves and put our sensed facts to a check of logic or method, unless that is just another learned response to sensory input. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway.... I was probably more interested than the kids. They had to wade through all that technological language. That is why I want to revisit it. Putting repetition to use;)

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Nice Cup of Tea has lots of interesting stuff and a poll on Lapsang Souchong. Can I say "neato" , but I liked finding this page....
I have spent an unconscionable amount of time blogging, mostly in truegrit. Which is my "serious" blog. That is what I call it anyway.

It is all due to the fact that I got on the topic of religion. I always have lots to say on that topic.

I meant to do some garden journaling, but now I am not sure I should put more time in...well, while I make up my mind I will do the "movie thing" on yet another blog. The Xanga spicetea one. Is this like musical chairs, or what?

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

I have dared myself to clean house this week. I know that sounds simple and uneventful to many... but for those who really have no sense of joy in housecleaning.... you know my pain.

Anyway. Yesterday started out well enough. I cleaned a bunch of things and organized some. Today I got all caught up in cooking. That is fine, and technically domestic, but the house is not perceptibly better. I need a daily impetus forward in this thing. And my cooking was good enough that I have no left overs for tomorrow.

That wasn't supposed to happen. Although leftovers that don't get eaten would be worse. Then it is ....aggghhhh waste!. Waste not want not to haunt me through the month.

I struggle with things about my dad still, but I am past wanting to discuss it for now.

I ran across some blogs that have this mem to remember the eighties. Some guy said he didn't remember them, and that made me think of my reaction. I have a hard time remembering events if I have to -like put on the spot to remember. The eighties were a blur of trying to be "better" all busy and hardworking... the type where you work til you drop. Where you are too tired to go out even if someone else pays for it.

Now that is tired. And that is how I used to work myself...with the this old house, the kids, the homeschool, the church activities-neverending church activities multiplied by each kid plus the good Christian mom demands, the husbands needs and rants, the garden, the parents.... you get the picture. I get too weary to completely describe it.

Sometimes it makes me regretful. What did all that busyness accomplish?

I mean really.

I am thankful for the relative calm of my life now. I am thankful that I am not trying so hard. I am thankful that I can trust God.... that I don't have to manufacture a life. Just live one.