Friday, November 26, 2004


The Thanksgiving celebration went fairly well this year. I did struggle, but all came out well and I didn't struggle as much as some years. All Blessings. I made the whole huge feast... but it was more bland tasting than I like. I am not sure why. Maybe I tried to have too many dishes and made more bland tasting choices. Like a sun-dried tomato dressing for the salad instead of a sharp Italian type. Apple stuffing for the turkey... things like that. Everyone voiced their pleasure for the meal, but I guess I have a certain persnickety-ness on holiday food.

What went particularly well was the devotional time. Usually we cram it at the table- when everyone is sort of hungry to eat, or afterwards, when everyone is sated and just wants to lie down and digest. So this year I decided to serve some hors d'oeuvres stuff first and then gather in the living room for prayer and sharing time. It was very ...awesome. I hate to use that term, but it just was so spiritually satisfying!

I asked one of my sons and the youngest daughter to find some applicable thanksgiving scriptures, had the husband lead the prayer, and we did our usual corn kernel sharing of things we are personally thankful for.

It was relaxed, deeply open-hearted and the centerpiece of the day ( 'cause once we start serving/eating it is downhill from there as far as attention to quiet introspection) It becomes one very loud and celebratory feast.

Everything was good except for my one son not being here. That was hard, because it was not involuntary. It was a breach in the family circle. We have been there before, but this year was hopeful for unity. Maybe next year, God Willing and people agreeable. We mentioned him in our thankfulness, but he was not here to hear it.

Late into the night everyone hung around and had a good time together. Today everyone is just sort of hanging out with no real plans or demands.

I have a fluctuating, underlying depression, but it isn't out of hand and I do feel truly grateful for so many things in my life. One of the greatest antidotes for depression is a thankful heart. I swing from being thankful to feeling like such a failure. But most of the time I am ok. And I functioned for the holiday- always a great asset.

I have several things started on my other blog and hoping I don't fizzle out. Sometimes I am torn between feeling I want to put more time into the online work and feeling that I shouldn't because it leaves so much other stuff undone... and for what? I don't have lots of people I impact.. if I impact anyone -really- at all.
And my houseplants are dying for lack of attention. Most still in the basement. I am a cruel master for those poor plants.

At least I have kept at the homeschooling. But that is one area that is guaranteed to make me feel like an utter failure. I try not to personalize things so much and just keep a steady schedule. Otherwise I would probably curl up like a sensitive fern... Have been known to do that before!

If I could cut the personal downtime for agony, I would do it. Even though when I am successful I go into what feels like an emotional suspension. It is how I keep going when there is too much that I perceive as disappointing.

I don't know what I expected life should be like. It's like I accept life, but do I?
I think I have a nihilist seam running through me. I give up too easily and then hate myself for that.

I heard an interview with Max Lucado on his new book about 'coming thirsty' - that might be the title, but I didn't quite catch it. Anyway, he mentioned that the results of being thirsty spiritually are such things as these types of attitudes that I exhibit. But how often does one get to absolute dehydration and still recover?

As the prophet once said " Am I better than my fathers?" Am I better than what I seen, Lord? To what end are my expectations?

Well, enough of this... onto whatever is next.....