Monday, December 20, 2004

This morning I wrote a poem and posted it on the garden journal. It is really rare for me to write poetry- but the muse was at work today. I don't write well, so I son't attempt much that is expressive very often. Just every once in a great while.

Usually it comes out of depression of a certain sort... kind of a sad reflective mood.

Good thing I wrote it when I did or at this point it probably would have evaporated in the irritation I am feeling with the cacaphony of the kids. I need to get them busy on something.... the Christmas season seems to wire them into little spring loaded sprockets bouncing off each other.

Probably I am obsessing over things in an unproductive manner, as well. I kept waking up throughout the night with all sorts of meaningless worries that go nowhere. I don't usually do that, but last night was filled with it. And it has gotten very cold. I dislike cold, with the dislike deepening with the thermometer drop.

I have dwelt too much on my losses of the past couple years. I can't seem to put these things to rest in a permanent way. That makes me mad at myself. I am at the point of trying to force myself to put a lock on the book of thoughts. Which is a very hard thing to do. I'd rather come to a more natural resolve, but maybe that isn't possible for me.

Well. That is all the venting for now.... I suppose I could rant about my shopping experiences, but they weren't totally bad. I am afraid I want something for the holiday that I cannot possibly have: I want to make the people in my life act right. That is right: act right -and there is such a thing and it isn't just right according to me. Which is more of the blah blah that I am entirely tired of . Stompstompstomp.. I guess I did have a little rant hiding in there.

but I am on to other things...... looking for some positive thing to get involved with.