Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I have lots of things I do not want to talk about... as well as those which I do not wish to think about....

I am not in angst over that, and wouldn't have thought about it except for reading a blog that had many posts on the thoughts one woman had on her mother's death.

I realized that I do not feel like talking much about my father but that unpleasant thoughts come up every once in awhile lately. I try to push them down since they are intermingled with extremely unpleasant thoughts about the Evil Woman. Who I really should not label that way. I think of how -don't want to dwell on it. It is the one thing I really question God on, but not deeply. I pretty much realize that there are unaddressed injustices in this world. I know I am not going to be exempt from this. I know I have nothing to do with how my parents were with each other or with me.

but when I happen across thoughts it bothers me just the same, so I try to ignore it...except for when reading someone elses thoughts on the subject. Then I do my usual thing of comparing how I feel with how that person does.... sort of a contrast and compare exercise. Just habit.

That habit often makes other people angry with me when I forget and express. I once had a guy, a neighbor,Christian friend who was pouring out something or other, and what I most remember about that time was the adamant way he caught me up short when I tried to say my usual point of identification with what he was saying. He said "This is about me, not you". Golly, that is still pretty fresh in my mind and it was many years ago. I was a little taken back just cause I never meant to make it about me.... but it wasn't the first time I had a reaction like that. People often don't want to know what you think about their experiences. They just want an audience. My trouble is that if I am only an audience and not actively joining in your recounting, I am probably not paying much attention to you. I am not assimilating your expression to me. And that seems a waste of everyone's time. But I have learned that sometimes a mildly agreeable and sympathetic encounter is what someone else most needs. And I am willing to accomodate that... if you need it. Sometimes that is all that is appropriate.

How did I get here? doesn't matter.