Wednesday, March 31, 2004

My, my, my. I found a little essay-post that explores the act of self-censoring. "Eventually, always being the protagonist starts to feel like the lie it is."

That is one way to look at it. And I am sure that those of us who portray ourselves on the web are guilty of that to a certain extent ( and truthfully, there are some who are way beyond "certain extent"); but I have tended to look at some of this from a different perspective.

Sometimes we self-censor as an act of kindness.... for others. Sounds like denial doesn't it? or rationalization... or prevarication....? I don't think so. When first on the web, I made a website. A personal one. It began with an extreme sort of positive censoring. I felt I had some positive things to share, but being a normally negative person, with very dark things going on in my mind, I felt that I had learned that those things were unwelcome and unhelpful for many others. They needed the lovely, not my poor attempts and flailings. Not unreal lovely, just free from my inner doubtings and strugglings. Except for my rants and blogs in the opinion section it stays in that form. Others needed the good I had found, the useful that I had learned, not my strugglings in getting there with all the distractions of those details. Then I would be in danger of becoming that pretentious protagonist, for sure.

Some censorship is, rather, an appreciation of the fine and the rare. Based in the scripture from the book of Phillipians. It is the motivation to aspire and inspire, rather than to wallow.

ALthough wallowing is something I do quite well, vis a vis this blog.

Well, the essay was interesting to me. I am presently too depressed to further explore. Everything goes surface for me when I feel like this. Like trying to stay afloat when so much inside is pulling me under. Grasping the lifesaver float. I need some of that "whatsoever is lovely", myself, right now.

"what a pretty life you have". No. not pretty here either, but a bit too complex to properly assess in a blogpost.