Thursday, January 29, 2004

a couple last things.... nobody buys anything from me :( I got my report from Amazon. $0.00 again ... I will never add to that paltry 1.75 from last year. I am a bust at business.

I will try to work on my webstuff better this year, maybe. I have tried out a number of blogs, and now will have to delete some. That is right... I opened up several more, just to see the format. But practically speaking there is no way I can handle the three I have now. One of the tea blogs will have to bite the dust in a couple months. Probably xanga. I don't creates angst. You get attached to this stuff.

The other thing is that I ran across some sites on Narcissism. Don't ask me how...just unfortunate web-linking. Anyway, it has caused me to revisit thoughts about my dad. And then look at my own life in ways that make me - I am lost for the word. Like sad, like deflated and flat, like upset but resigned. Know a word that encompasses that?

My dad was truly a narcissist, and I have to look at whether I am an invert type in a way, but I don't really think so. I have some of the symptoms, but most are of the past. And I had a sort of natural resistance, perhaps from things my mother instilled in me? I don't know. And my relationship with God short-circuited some of the really detrimental parts.

But some stuff is there, and certainly I haven't worked out some of what went on with my dad. He was awfully important to me. And in the last of his life I gambled and lost at trying to genuinely help him and yet retain my own life. If you know narcissists you know what that sentence means. It is very hard to be in relationship with one and still retain yourself. You accept the objectification, or you risk detonating the relationship.

I risked and lost. By the time I had access to my dad's life, he and his accomplice had lost too much of his physical ability to recover -or even to be comforted. I know it is not all that woman's fault, but it was some. And some was my fault. Much was my dad's fault, and some is probably unknown to me; maybe forever. But I don't know if the lines will ever be clear.

So when I come across something like those info sites.... I attempt to lay things to rest.

But they have been haunting me.