Thursday, December 25, 2003

It is technically Christmas, although I haven't slept and will try to get a couple hours in before the actual Christmas ( when the children wake up) begins. I fixed a big Christmas Eve dinner, although not as prepared as I like to be. The presentation was a bit messy and the rolls were not as perfect as I like them. Little too much flour I think.

Some of my children ...mostly the older ones started to show a bit of the strain from the past few weeks; mostly a bit subdued, and my one daughter seems actually depressed. I need to see if I can get some help for her, maybe through the hospice people.

People nag at you after a death. Not everyone, but I was a bit surprised at some of it. Like the woman who is getting a large portion of my fathers estate. She called a lawyer to complain about me. Two days after his death. It was a low point, but I am over it. You have to just let those things go. They are just not worth their intended intimidation value.

Now if I can get to where I outright laugh about it, I am home free, I think. Gimme some of that old time black humor. Low down bete noir stuff. Or zoom me to a higher plane. Either one. But don't let me give petty people any satisfaction.

The real me. Exposed. I have the consolation that I am doing my best to be decent towards her, and bending over to let her have everything without rancor or delay. Because worldly goods is not what this life is about. I believe that and now is my chance to live it out. With God's Grace.

Because it gets challenging. Especially when I look over the mess of the last couple years this woman was intervening in my dad's life. Hard, hard, hard. What else can I say? Best to leave it go. I think I need a little funeral service for those feelings.....

Maybe I will write them on paper and then burn them as a symbolic thing or something.

But the bright side is that Christmas this year is thanks to my dad. He gave the daughters unexpected checks earlier this year. We ended up needing it. So God had a provision. And this is my experience always with the Lord: " I shall not want".

I really should get some sleep.

Oh yes.

And Everyone Have A Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 22, 2003

I just realized. I have only two days to Christmas Eve dinner. Christmastime has been on back burner as I run around to hospital, then to funeral director and on to the person who lives in my dads house .... so I can secure his valuables. Such as they are.

I try not to give time to my feelings right now, instead trying to ask and be sensitive to others as much as possible. Not because I am so good , but rather because the time for that is temporary and I will have more than enough time to think on many things which are not at all pleasant and wonderful.

I brightened up quite a bit after contracting with a bagpiper for the funeral. I don't know why, but it seemed like the one thing that went easily and as I had hoped. Then when I started figuring out the flowers. Flowers are a mood lifter for me, and it brought some of the brighter moments from long ago.... when my dad was still interested in gardening and we used to share notes.

Although blogging starts inspiring the tears.... which I really hope to avoid until the funeral/burial process is done. But then the remaining business is there..... well, I'll get around to dealing with myself later. I don't have any lack of attention to that in normal circumstances;)

I need to make the dinner menu and delegate some Christmas wrapping..... Dinner menu for Christmas? Christmas Trees Christmas Gingerbread Advent wreath
The Web's First Japanese Pizza Page

I have to say I think these sound good. I was going to post this url as sort of a gag, and then I started thinking...."mmmm, this actually sounds yummy"

Except for the squid. I would pass on the squid, definately : "Hold that squid, Mitsuko". But 'Japanese Style' ? Yes, I would try that:

"The Flavor of Seaweed and Shiso Makes it All the Better!"
Toppings: Shredded Pork, Shimeji Mushrooms, Bamboo Shoots, Nori (seaweed), Shiso (perilla) Leaves

Or the Excellent:

""With Luxurious Toppings, this is the Definitive Mixed Pizza!"
Toppings: Pepperoni, Chopped Beef, Bacon, Mushroom, Eggplant, Tomato, Green Pepper, Garlic, Shimeji Mushroom, Onion

I found this url on what is now a famous blog: Mimi Smartypants

Interesting blog, but be warned that if blue language and questionable topics bother you, it might be better not to surf there. Just so you know.

======= on another note==========

I haven't been blogging much since my father has died. I am in charge of all the arrangements. But I took a few minutes to do some web things for a sort of mental relief. Upsaid has been down for quite awhile lately, which is where I was discussing things concerning my father.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Today's tea choice is Twinings Chinese Oolong. My husband located it at the store. Sturdy everyday sort of tea. Shouldn't be steeped overlong.

And don't ruin it with sugar!

I visited with my aunts at the hospital -in my dad's room- on Saturday. Tried to Christmas shop with my daughter yesterday..... overspent. Easy to do with a credit card. Had some Gloria Jeans latte at the mall, too. Good grief.... the amount of money that I can spend on a cup of coffee. And enjoy it too ;)

The trouble is that my mind is on hold. I blow my ideas of budgeting when not thinking. Fritter away. But I stop before doing much damage. Frugality is a habit, after all. Not a corset.

Don't ask me where that comment came from.......

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Here is a strange little pastime. Sort of relaxing.
...for tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally coarse in their
nervous sensibilites, or are become so from wine-drinking, and are not
susceptible of influence from so refined a stimulant, will always be the
favored beverage of the intellectual...
-Thomas De Quincy

There you go..... smart people prefer tea;)

Although still tired in many ways.... much of my anger has somehow vaporized. I don't know where this will take me , although perhaps it is the result of people praying for me and situations around me to resolve in peace.

Perhaps that is it. I am not overwhemed, but feel that I am backing away from my intense feelings.

I exercised today for the first time in forever. My blood pressure was sky-high this morning so I knew I could not keep putting it off. Exercise is one of the few things you can do for yourself to get more healthy pressures. Deal properly with stress, eat better, and exercise.

So I did maybe 30 minutes this morning. Yoga stuff mainly.

I leave you with this fabulous quote:

"Tea had come as a deliverer to a land that called for deliverance; a land of
beef and ale, of heavy eating and abundant drunkenness; of gray skies and
harsh winds; of strong nerved , stout-purposed, slow-thinking men an women.
Above all, a land of sheltered homes and warm firesides - firesides that
were waiting - waiting, for the bubbling kettle and the fragrant breath of
-Agnes Reppiler

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Now I remember......

I wanted to post my thoughts here but cluttered up the upsaid Opinion blog, instead.

I am tired of death and obstinance. I am tired of people who harm others and then say they have nothing to be ashamed of in how they live their lives. I am tired of greed and of excuses.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I was all happy today until I noticed that I ate some moldy cranberry bread. VERY unhappy, since I just bought it yesterday afternoon.

And previous to this I had been so satisfied with gustatory delights. OK, no one uses that language, but you have to admit it lights up the blog page. Better than "I was so happy eating...."

One reason: found real "fois de canard". That is right, duck livers instead of pork. I like liver pates if they are made from something digestable like duck:) Ate some on wheat crackers.

Made a very good Jambalaya with beef sausage last night. SO good! With petite pois and fresh sliced apples. The fam loved it.

Sometimes I don't really cook, and other times I get very experimental. Sometimes I get involved in real from-scratch cooking. It just depends.... but I hate moldy stuff that isn't supposed to be moldy. As opposed to bleu cheese, of course.

Here is a thought for Thanksgiving: how often do we let the little disappointments wipe out the larger satisfactions of our blessings?

Too often. Maybe it's that cotton feeling in my mouth. Must think of other subject.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Agonizing Prayer is an article worth looking at. I'm tired, it's late, but I want to revisit this. I could just bookmark it, but I think others would like to take a look at a discussion on what it will take to have real Revival.

Christian Goth is a very different mode of a Christian site. And see that picture? That's is what I would like to look like.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Feeling a bit better today.... the determination is kicking in. This is a good thing.

I'm afraid I will have to allow that some people will hurt. They will be disappointed that I am not my usual "trying to help them" self. Not that they wanted my help, but you know how people are when an option is removed. It makes them uncomfortable.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

a little later..... there are times I thought I was made to be a bitch. You know, the one that throws the monkey wrench in your life. The one who decides that someone has to take charge and so..... DOES.

But no one, including me, foresaw that I would become a Christian and that it would make all the difference.

I truly did not realize all the conflicts that would arise. Not that nice people have any less adjusting to do.

and that is the truth...

I am developing some annoying writing conceits, ...devices, whatever. Must stop that.
sugarmama: "I am one pissed-off, seriously miffed, grumpy, grouchy, hateful, spiteful and quick-tempered boiling cauldron of a woman. "

I can't believe it. Someone has described ME. ( but she has culturally acceptable reasons and, I have asked for it....)

Yes, this is how I feel about myself right now. I cannot seem to negotiate between what I consider appropriate living and response and real life circumstances.....

I am at a quandary, a crossroads, maybe a Rubicon, I am not sure, but I know it sure makes me sad, upset, and irritable.

I do not now understand why I chose a life where family and family relationships would be so important. I certainly didn't have the circumstance and resource for it.

So I am not surprised at the disappointing results. Just incredibly sad.

My father I have a bit of understanding about. Not acceptance, but comprehension.

In my children, or my other relationships. No. I do not understand.

I realize I chose a life outside the mainstream of the way my culture was going. But the hurts and rejection of those I have given to.... that is beyond my kenning right now.

I hate myself. I hate that I feel like some poor sick puppy who was kicked and doesn't know why. And I hate writing this out so its pathetic self-absorption is so evident.

But you see, I do it anyway. And maybe there is my explanation.

And hell take the hindmost, I guess.

If you chanced upon this post, it is probably not what you wanted to find...

Like someone dumped a bit of something acrid within your cup, that you wanted something soothing from....

Well, this is what the inner workings of struggle look like. They are jagged, something of brimstone, and something of burnt flesh.

Ugly stuff at times, isn't it? Usually well hidden away. And that is why I put it here. I realized how very uptight I am in holding all the inappropriate responses within...lest I do real damage.

But I am going to have to do something with all of this if I do not want the witches brew it sounds like to congeal into what may be very hard to remove from my life.

It is not surprising that this would bubble up at the same time that I have received teaching on the Holy Spirit and held up my life anew for His access.

Expected. How can God help with something unless it is brought into full review? Things we had hoped were faded and gone away. Or at least boxed up properly. Opened post mortem?

This brings another thought. These things brought forth a thought that I feel like I am in a coffin this year, and I hear the nails of the lid secured. Then I thought "Is this death to self?" I thought death to self was something one made active choices in.

This feels more like people and events that I have no control over, asking that I absorb things that I have no ability left to absorb.

Observing the nailing of my own coffin. The death of hopes, the death of affections...... again.

And I find myself in a song of "How Long, O Lord?" How long?

It is losing its sense of meaning for me. Why do you bother with me God? What good is my life, my thoughts, my efforts?

Then I sit and wait. I remember. What is not apparent to me, is apparent to God. He is transcendent above all my understanding, all my mistakes, all my futile efforts....

and I just wait.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Pogo on a Trampoline: What Angus Knows

I thought this was hilarious..... when it comes to humor, this was my cup of tea.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Iconico - Color Picker

I downloaded this from a suggestion on this page, geekgrrl. It look like it will be really useful for graphics and color scheme layout work.

I probably have a number of downloaded programs that I forget the use for, but this looks like I will get much benefit from.
.:: chuggnutt ::. | What's Your Matrix Name?

Mine is 'Kismet', ...all I can say is: Was this fate?

And with slightly different choices, I get a last name of Winter or Ink.

That was just from playing around with this.....

Kismet Ink.

Look, I'm tired... I fool around like this when I'm tired.

The seminar was very good last night. I got home about 11-ish or so.

It wasn't new information for me, but it was a fresh look, and the worship was wonderful. I think what I actually need is about four hours of just worshipping that way.

I wish I could say that things in my life stayed at bay, but I gave place to them. Fortunately on the way to the seminar I was listening to a radio program which had a speaker talking about anger.

Anger is what is stealing so much from me this year. Rather, to which I hand over so much....

Anyway, the point was made that anger is a secondary emotion, an indicator that hurts are present. I could see that.

The only thing I am not sure of at this point in my life is how much do we open our lives to known perpetrators of hurt? The ones that seem to deliberately inflict hurt?

They are hurt themselves, I can see that.... but their ways of 'leaking" hurt and anger, which is how the speaker described passive aggressives, are often coverups...denying that they are hurt and angry.

Then, how do you address it with them?


The subject matter of the seminar was on God Himself, in the person of the Holy Spirit. How does it all combine? The speaker at the seminar pointed out that God is a person, that His Holy Spirit is a person. And as a person, He is free. Free to respond, free to act.

We lose sight of that. Especially if we concentrate on how to "get this or that" from God or methods on specific types of prayer or such types of emphasis in the teachings we listen to.

God can be hurt by us, and we can get angry at God. The avenues of communication can be narrowed. Somewhere in my mind I have a feeling that the necessity of forgiving others to receive forgiveness for ourselves is tied up in here somewhere.

That was not in the seminar, just something I am thinking I ought to pursue with a bit of study.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

I just remembered that I am going to a seminar tonight. I can't believe I forgot that! Especially after my oldest daughter...who invited me to go had dropped by to help me wax my legs and reminded me last night.

I am just so ditsy lately.

Well, I will go to the first of the three sessions tonight, and then ...I must of course.... report on it in the blog.

I forgot about it because it wasn't my idea, primarily, to go to it. But when I heard about it I thought it would do me some good- inspiration and all that!

It is on getting to know the Holy Spirit better. Since it is a Vineyard sponsored event I think I should get something just from going, especially if they have worship time.

Monday, November 10, 2003 - Report: Mossad probing baby deaths - Nov. 10, 2003

Another reason to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best for both mother nad baby. And there is no risk of getting the formula wrong. How sad for the families of those babies who have died.

Friday, November 07, 2003

I don't want to compare myself with others. I don't want to feel all depressed and like a failure.

... but I do. Today I do.

I don't do enough and I don't do it right. I think I will go fix a cup of tea and forget all this.

Yes, I will tell what inspired this despondency. Not that you asked or wanted to know...

I read through some very successful websites that have beautiful gardens and gorgoues pictures taken by the women webmasters. Some of them have a fairly large family.

They tend to garden in West Coast gardens. I know my limitations. I know ... no, I don't really, and that depresses me.

Now, off for a bit of tea. And wow, I wish I had a pastry or something.....

Saturday, November 01, 2003

"The maccha tea was associated with the old feudal system and its popularity declined rapidly. Sencha tea, however, epitomized freedom and informality and became a symbol of the new society." -Japanese history of Tea

It is rather odd to think of the association of tea and politics. I wonder how much of our food and drink associations have political nuance? The Boston Tea Party might not have been only about taxes... ever thought of that? Who knows whether the overthrow of aristocracy was something of the overthrow of a whole way of thinking, a whole way of life... and the tea drinking that came with it.

Tea gained favor in Japan as a health giving beverage, and there are Englishmen who have sung its praises and surely raised their cups to its benefits.

There are times when tea is cheering, more than any other cup of choice.

types of tea and its history.
Seerveld Texts
I have my own Bible study page on the Proverbs 31 woman, so you can imagine my pleasure in finding this page!

An addition to understanding this passage of wisdom for women.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Critter Lover

Just want to record this url. Looks like a great place to read. I have to absolutely and positively go to will read more of it later. But a lovely poem, great look and lots of links...makes me think I want to spend time.....


Thursday, October 30, 2003

Homeschool Spin: A Look at the Dark Side

Had to had to had to. Now, go read it.

I'm going to post this in my other tea site, too. Don't want anyone to miss.... and prob'ly in my upsaid site. Why not? The world needs to know these things!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Fat Woman Squeeze

This is in the same area, although we haven't visited yet. I want to go there! Doesn't it look great?
Hocking Hills - Photo

This is where my family likes best to hike. It is full of fairy tale settings and always keeps its matter how often we go.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Passages: "'Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.'
-Cyril Connolly "

Is this quote good or not?

I enjoyed by visit at this blog. Highly recommended.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Bloginality: the INTP personality

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I am sure you want to know this: I think I just ate one of those horrid asian ladybugs in my Thai Rice. They have a distinctive 'aroma' when squashed you know? Ick ick ick. I ate the rest of the rice anyway... I am like that, hate to waste;)

The world needed to know this today.

I have a thing for Thai food right now. And I have always liked curries. I want to go to an Indian restaurant. Only my oldest daughter likes Indian food enough to go to the restaurant with me. Maybe on the weekend. It is hard to wait that long, though. By that time I will get caught up in something else and not go.:(
I am sloganizing myself:

Fresh. Spicey. Different. Today.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

I love trees. I am one of the tree-hugger persons; in fact, I highly identify with the Ents in the Tolkien stories.
Here's a few bits of info on Ents:

According to Tom Shippey, Tolkien got the word from Anglo-Saxon/Old English: "ent" is an early form of our word "giant."

Pippin: "One felt as if there was an enormous well behind them, filled up with ages of memory and long, slow, steady thinking; but their surface was sparkling with the present; like sun shimmering on the outer leaves of a vast tree, or on the ripples of a very deep lake. I don't know, but it felt as if something that grew in the ground--asleep, you might say, or just feeling itself as something between root-tip and leaf-tip, between deep earth and sky had suddenly waken up, and was considering you and with the same slow care that it had given to its own inside affairs for endless years."

I have been developing the same wrinkled bark-like appearance, as well;) But I am young for an Ent. Give me another twenty years or so.....
Oh, and then there's the description of their language:

Entish, their language, is long-winded and difficult to catch by other people. They are the only people that use this language, and they use it only among themselves.It is sonorous, slow and has such a quality that no one has ever tried to reproduce in writing. Their likings for languages, especially the high elven-tongue, are great, They use a long time so say simple things, and names are up to many lines long.

They used a couple of days to talk about everything that needed to be talked about. Fortunately, most of them also master the common languange.
( from

Ents, MiddleEarth Tour

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~Mary Oliver

Making Things Pretty

This is such a sweet page. I liked looking at it.

This Much I do Remember

There are so many beautiful things in the world. So much that comes from people's hearts and inventions. It really is amazing. Truly amazing.

Even so. How it can all pale when faced with the perfect sunset, the light of first sun through the blue of the unfurling morning glories, the incredible little face of a newborn baby.

But when thinking of these things, I actually would be tempted to say "it's all good". Just for a moment, I might say that.

I have mostly been blogging serious opinions and things like that. Trying to get used to what *I think* is my setup on these things. But so far I really like the look of this blog. It took me forever to position the tables and that means it could look awful in something like Opera. I am presently oblivious. I think I will check out the Netscape browser on this site.

It beats me why they can't get cross platform harmony. Leftovers from commercial competition, maybe? But I almost think intellectual competition is more cut-throat. Probably it was some evil interbreeding of the two.

Ah well, i f you have newer browsers you will see that it is somewhat mollified. I suppose the money and the prestige is now in something else.

What do tech-dorks like me know? yes. I am a tech-dork....those with precious little tech ability who insist on using the internet for my own plebian purposes. yay me yay tech-dorks...yayyyyyyyyyyy.

tech-dorks arise .
[I checked the 4.7 Netscape. Bad news. The blog part of the site does not show up at all. Only the sidebar and the header. blah] more like some far off week or so from now I might play with it. Or I might not.

For anyone who chances on this post: this tech-dork HATES those mousechasing javascript graphics and words. HATES them we does. ( I do Gollum impressions when no one is looking). The only one I liked was a sparkler thing and I can't get it to work with all the other javascripts here. Other wise I would.

But the only thing I hate worse than those cursor chasers are the jumpy gifs and flash ads. I can't think and I just want to escape the page-anywhere but to the tormentors who pay for those distracting and annoying ads.

They were thought of by twelve year old boys. I am relatively sure of that.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

I have had to listen to my kids teeny/gooey movie today. Well, they deserved it, since they were good about doing all the school stuff today.

They tell me they don't like Bach. Well, too bad.... they will get more exposure later this week, although they don't know it yet. A little surprise.

If we only went with what we think we like at ages 8-16 we would stay in a state of peer induced mediocrity.


On another note. Since I got the imood thing I have not had a decent mood. That is depressing;)
And the internet mood has been an unchanging "tired" EVERY DAY.

Why don't people get sleep? Why don't they slow down if they are so tired? People are really crazy if you think about it. It is very normal to be in a state of circular motion -running running while saying they are so weary and why don't they have time to ...blah blah. Hamsters on a run.

We drive ourselves, and we do it for reasons we have accepted as necessary. And here is the news flash.... it won't change until we change it volitionally. Different thinking, different priorities and goals. And independence from the demands of surrounding society's full court press.

Thursday, October 09, 2003 What's My Pirate Name? (3/3)

Red Anne Flint
Passion is a big part of your life, which makes sense for a pirate.
Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Lean's Country Blinkie Page

These are really cute blinkies. I downloaded a tea one ( of course!) that I hope to use on this site.

I don't know why I like blinkies. They are just cute or something... or maybe because miniature things always fascinate me.
Anyway, this lady does one very nice job.

And no one will direct link...right? It isn't fair to individuals who don't have resources to spare, and just like giving you things.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

It is Ilona again.... this time with a blog appropriate to the subject at hand. Someone else had the url I wanted, but this one is just as good. I think this will turn out to be a better blog theme for me. Love tea! Love spice!

I like coffee better...but that has been overdone. Not that the tea is not predictable, but cutting edge catchy sound-bite is not my forte.

No.... tea and oranges on the deck at sunset.... that is what this is about. Leisurely ruminations overlaid with scent and looked at through steaming curls of escaping vaporous dreams.

That is in the poetic moments, but look for strong and bracing every once in while, as well. There is likely more of that coming.

Next..... change the look of the layout here.... it definitely needs tea-room atmosphere or something.... and [gasp] get rid of overly large font sizes!