Sunday, November 16, 2003

sugarmama: "I am one pissed-off, seriously miffed, grumpy, grouchy, hateful, spiteful and quick-tempered boiling cauldron of a woman. "

I can't believe it. Someone has described ME. ( but she has culturally acceptable reasons and, I have asked for it....)

Yes, this is how I feel about myself right now. I cannot seem to negotiate between what I consider appropriate living and response and real life circumstances.....

I am at a quandary, a crossroads, maybe a Rubicon, I am not sure, but I know it sure makes me sad, upset, and irritable.

I do not now understand why I chose a life where family and family relationships would be so important. I certainly didn't have the circumstance and resource for it.

So I am not surprised at the disappointing results. Just incredibly sad.

My father I have a bit of understanding about. Not acceptance, but comprehension.

In my children, or my other relationships. No. I do not understand.

I realize I chose a life outside the mainstream of the way my culture was going. But the hurts and rejection of those I have given to.... that is beyond my kenning right now.

I hate myself. I hate that I feel like some poor sick puppy who was kicked and doesn't know why. And I hate writing this out so its pathetic self-absorption is so evident.

But you see, I do it anyway. And maybe there is my explanation.

And hell take the hindmost, I guess.

If you chanced upon this post, it is probably not what you wanted to find...

Like someone dumped a bit of something acrid within your cup, that you wanted something soothing from....

Well, this is what the inner workings of struggle look like. They are jagged, something of brimstone, and something of burnt flesh.

Ugly stuff at times, isn't it? Usually well hidden away. And that is why I put it here. I realized how very uptight I am in holding all the inappropriate responses within...lest I do real damage.

But I am going to have to do something with all of this if I do not want the witches brew it sounds like to congeal into what may be very hard to remove from my life.

It is not surprising that this would bubble up at the same time that I have received teaching on the Holy Spirit and held up my life anew for His access.

Expected. How can God help with something unless it is brought into full review? Things we had hoped were faded and gone away. Or at least boxed up properly. Opened post mortem?

This brings another thought. These things brought forth a thought that I feel like I am in a coffin this year, and I hear the nails of the lid secured. Then I thought "Is this death to self?" I thought death to self was something one made active choices in.

This feels more like people and events that I have no control over, asking that I absorb things that I have no ability left to absorb.

Observing the nailing of my own coffin. The death of hopes, the death of affections...... again.

And I find myself in a song of "How Long, O Lord?" How long?

It is losing its sense of meaning for me. Why do you bother with me God? What good is my life, my thoughts, my efforts?

Then I sit and wait. I remember. What is not apparent to me, is apparent to God. He is transcendent above all my understanding, all my mistakes, all my futile efforts....

and I just wait.