Thursday, December 30, 2004

After Christmas Blues

The news: my home phonelines are down, I drive my mom back home today, this weekend I will blog in earnest and I am planning a makeover for truegrit. My son thinks my pic looks "disturbing". Maybe I can get a new pic taken today in the fog before I brave the roads.

I am on my old computer in my husbands filthy office. I tell you I don't think he wipes any thing off ever. He has my old IBM and it is coated with dark gray. The offscouring of a thousand grimy work days. YUK. He dreads that I am out here because I have already said some things portending a cleanup. "Don't you wipe anything off?" were the exact words I used. He ignored them... but that is only temporary. The holiday gloves are off. :) the Mr. Clean gloves are now on.... it is a new year.

Anyway, I feel like doing some graphics and promised the hubbydubby-do ( no I don't call him that...just playin' on the blog) some business cards. I feel like icy blues and something cool for colors. So I will probably redo truegrit in something like that unless a pic inspires another color scheme.

Drinking lots of tea maybe some theme-worthy blog or two on that. None of us likes Stash Earl Grey. I think the Twinings is best, myself, but Bigelow is ok. Did get some green Chai to try. And my mother loves the red box Stash Chai. so I bought some for her to take home.

I have wasted food this week... try to not feel guilty.

I do not want to drive in this dense fog.... but I miscalculated the conditions for this week; should have driven yesterday.

I hate that about myself. I must learn to follow my instincts and to strike while the iron is hot. I am a hesitater/procrastinator par excellance.

Hopefully they fix the phones soon- I want my own computer and my graphics progs.

that reminds me... I was thinking about how spoiled we get and how ungrateful- it is positively sinful, and exposed as so in light of the devastations that the news has reported daily since Christmas- the tsunami damage is horrific enough, but has dwarfed other calamities that we would normally have front-center in the news. Mucho bad news.

Does the news create more compassion or does it inurr us? I am not sure. It is hard to digest the enormity of the reports.

Still foggy. Must get going anyway. ciao.


You know those nice leather gloves I drove around town with my son to get? Yes. Yesterday he used them to make a snow man. That's right... sopping wet leather gloves drying by the stove. I calmly told him that if he ruins those gloves using them that way he never should buy anything as nice like that (or have others buy them, ahem!)

He turned his nose up at the weather-proof gloves... and those are what he should have if he wants to build snowmen! It bugged me because we have many pairs of said snow-worthy gloves around here. and he likes to go around in a leather jacket and complain about how cold it is. This is the twenty-somethings gauge of how to live life? I have no pity. I told him he should wear a decent jacket meant for the freeze- we have those available for him as well. It takes time to listen to mom's- he is hte one who bought me a cute sign...that is prominent by the back door. I have to refresh on the quote ( see I don't even pay attention). Ok, we are getting to the root of the problem here, I see.....

Monday, December 27, 2004

Today my mother is in hypermode. Talking a mile a minute with the kids... the older ones mostly. I am getting ready to get off the computer and get ready for my dr. appt.

I am glad to get out for a bit altho' I hate doctor appt.'s

I went to the appointment. Everything is stable. I am over that hurdle for the next few months.

My mother's talking has upped and -if possible- speeded in numbers of words per minute. I, in turn, get quieter....

It makes my mind mind spiral out into space.

I was out driving and took my son shopping. He wanted gloves- so we hit several stores until we found what he wanted. I bought chocolate:)

I will have to exercise for sure... it is needful to bring down the eye pressure. I tell you, if I don't start on my own by the middle of the month I will join Jazzercise or something. No more excuses.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I have lots of things I do not want to talk about... as well as those which I do not wish to think about....

I am not in angst over that, and wouldn't have thought about it except for reading a blog that had many posts on the thoughts one woman had on her mother's death.

I realized that I do not feel like talking much about my father but that unpleasant thoughts come up every once in awhile lately. I try to push them down since they are intermingled with extremely unpleasant thoughts about the Evil Woman. Who I really should not label that way. I think of how -don't want to dwell on it. It is the one thing I really question God on, but not deeply. I pretty much realize that there are unaddressed injustices in this world. I know I am not going to be exempt from this. I know I have nothing to do with how my parents were with each other or with me.

but when I happen across thoughts it bothers me just the same, so I try to ignore it...except for when reading someone elses thoughts on the subject. Then I do my usual thing of comparing how I feel with how that person does.... sort of a contrast and compare exercise. Just habit.

That habit often makes other people angry with me when I forget and express. I once had a guy, a neighbor,Christian friend who was pouring out something or other, and what I most remember about that time was the adamant way he caught me up short when I tried to say my usual point of identification with what he was saying. He said "This is about me, not you". Golly, that is still pretty fresh in my mind and it was many years ago. I was a little taken back just cause I never meant to make it about me.... but it wasn't the first time I had a reaction like that. People often don't want to know what you think about their experiences. They just want an audience. My trouble is that if I am only an audience and not actively joining in your recounting, I am probably not paying much attention to you. I am not assimilating your expression to me. And that seems a waste of everyone's time. But I have learned that sometimes a mildly agreeable and sympathetic encounter is what someone else most needs. And I am willing to accomodate that... if you need it. Sometimes that is all that is appropriate.

How did I get here? doesn't matter.

Monday, December 20, 2004

This morning I wrote a poem and posted it on the garden journal. It is really rare for me to write poetry- but the muse was at work today. I don't write well, so I son't attempt much that is expressive very often. Just every once in a great while.

Usually it comes out of depression of a certain sort... kind of a sad reflective mood.

Good thing I wrote it when I did or at this point it probably would have evaporated in the irritation I am feeling with the cacaphony of the kids. I need to get them busy on something.... the Christmas season seems to wire them into little spring loaded sprockets bouncing off each other.

Probably I am obsessing over things in an unproductive manner, as well. I kept waking up throughout the night with all sorts of meaningless worries that go nowhere. I don't usually do that, but last night was filled with it. And it has gotten very cold. I dislike cold, with the dislike deepening with the thermometer drop.

I have dwelt too much on my losses of the past couple years. I can't seem to put these things to rest in a permanent way. That makes me mad at myself. I am at the point of trying to force myself to put a lock on the book of thoughts. Which is a very hard thing to do. I'd rather come to a more natural resolve, but maybe that isn't possible for me.

Well. That is all the venting for now.... I suppose I could rant about my shopping experiences, but they weren't totally bad. I am afraid I want something for the holiday that I cannot possibly have: I want to make the people in my life act right. That is right: act right -and there is such a thing and it isn't just right according to me. Which is more of the blah blah that I am entirely tired of . Stompstompstomp.. I guess I did have a little rant hiding in there.

but I am on to other things...... looking for some positive thing to get involved with.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

too true

Saturday, December 11, 2004

peace Posted by Hello
Ilona, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

From Tickles Inkblot Test

Friday, December 10, 2004

I am a little put off with the truegrit blog server... it is out again after I wrote this really long blog that took alot out of me to write. I saved it on Notepad but still.... I will have to format it correctly once the host is back online.

I'll try to contain my irritation, after all it is a free server, and they are transferring their system to wordpress, I think. I suppose I will put up with this over the next couple months, one to get it in place and one to work the bugs out...... SIGH.

They could be like upsaid and dump my whole blog AFTER NOT LETTING ME RETRIEVE IT.

Oh. I'm sorry. Was I yelling?

Obviously I am not in the mood to post to "Happy Thoughts"

LOL WILDLY...can you imagine? Like the specter of an evil clownClown: Circus clown, Coulrophobia, Bouffon, Clown society, Evil clown, Jester, Mime artist, Rodeo clown, Grotesque, Cosmetics, Costume, Footwear, Physical theatre, Jacques Lecoq... that is what that post would promise to be.....

Thursday, December 09, 2004

People infuse meaning into all sorts of things, that is the our spiritual nature without its compass. In the light of that the Teamuse newletter has an article on "Tea and Superstition".


Find out more about Darjeeling tea, its history and its qualities.

Love me, love my graphics! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I've been shopping more often at my nearest Wild Oats, and comparing it with where I usually shop for groceries, Krogers. I have to say that Wild Oats has it over Krogers in the fresh produce portion, especially, and since they carry all Organic brands of cereals, Wild Oats usually has better buys on those types of cereals. And their yams during the Thanksgiving season were awesome. Big fat ol' things piled high in the bins. I also stopped at Andersons which was once my favorite stop for said produce.... the puny little yams were just sad. I usually got fresh breads there, too.... but now Wild Oats has won out in that dept. also. The clerks are kinda cool, :) I just like interesting people....

I guess I am paying more attention to grocery shopping,etc., since I feel our family really needs to eat healthier and practice that type of prevention. Don't you just get tired of feeling sluggish and tired? The only thing I really need to add in is more exercise.

I also was a very good womanish cronish kind of female. I made an eye appt. Long overdue and I was putting it off. I have been very remiss since last year.

Last night I also did the mom/family prayer time. No one ever joins me in this although I had invited some old friends. And last night -while I did pray- seemed very uneventful. I am just going to take it on faith that somehow God is hearing me. I struggle with doubt because I find myself so full of anger and unbelief. So much has gone badly for me in the past few years. Yet, there has been good, I don't want to discount the good. I just don't understand my life in light of what I thought I knew about God and prayer. Very confusing time.

The the end of this update.... do I write this for you or for me? My writing maximizes boring writing style while minimizing depth. That reminds me.... I have happened upon many aspiring nano-whater it is who write novels and record things about it. It made me realize how I would be so unlikely to ever desire to do that... I just do not have the writing gene. I glop through my blogging and web page writing and that is all for the sake of conversational like communication. I do love a good read, however, and find numerous talented writers on the web. I admire them... and totally without envy:) You have to think you could do something better to envy another their talent. I just enjoy.

the actual end.