Thursday, December 25, 2003

It is technically Christmas, although I haven't slept and will try to get a couple hours in before the actual Christmas ( when the children wake up) begins. I fixed a big Christmas Eve dinner, although not as prepared as I like to be. The presentation was a bit messy and the rolls were not as perfect as I like them. Little too much flour I think.

Some of my children ...mostly the older ones started to show a bit of the strain from the past few weeks; mostly a bit subdued, and my one daughter seems actually depressed. I need to see if I can get some help for her, maybe through the hospice people.

People nag at you after a death. Not everyone, but I was a bit surprised at some of it. Like the woman who is getting a large portion of my fathers estate. She called a lawyer to complain about me. Two days after his death. It was a low point, but I am over it. You have to just let those things go. They are just not worth their intended intimidation value.

Now if I can get to where I outright laugh about it, I am home free, I think. Gimme some of that old time black humor. Low down bete noir stuff. Or zoom me to a higher plane. Either one. But don't let me give petty people any satisfaction.

The real me. Exposed. I have the consolation that I am doing my best to be decent towards her, and bending over to let her have everything without rancor or delay. Because worldly goods is not what this life is about. I believe that and now is my chance to live it out. With God's Grace.

Because it gets challenging. Especially when I look over the mess of the last couple years this woman was intervening in my dad's life. Hard, hard, hard. What else can I say? Best to leave it go. I think I need a little funeral service for those feelings.....

Maybe I will write them on paper and then burn them as a symbolic thing or something.

But the bright side is that Christmas this year is thanks to my dad. He gave the daughters unexpected checks earlier this year. We ended up needing it. So God had a provision. And this is my experience always with the Lord: " I shall not want".

I really should get some sleep.

Oh yes.

And Everyone Have A Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 22, 2003

I just realized. I have only two days to Christmas Eve dinner. Christmastime has been on back burner as I run around to hospital, then to funeral director and on to the person who lives in my dads house .... so I can secure his valuables. Such as they are.

I try not to give time to my feelings right now, instead trying to ask and be sensitive to others as much as possible. Not because I am so good , but rather because the time for that is temporary and I will have more than enough time to think on many things which are not at all pleasant and wonderful.

I brightened up quite a bit after contracting with a bagpiper for the funeral. I don't know why, but it seemed like the one thing that went easily and as I had hoped. Then when I started figuring out the flowers. Flowers are a mood lifter for me, and it brought some of the brighter moments from long ago.... when my dad was still interested in gardening and we used to share notes.

Although blogging starts inspiring the tears.... which I really hope to avoid until the funeral/burial process is done. But then the remaining business is there..... well, I'll get around to dealing with myself later. I don't have any lack of attention to that in normal circumstances;)

I need to make the dinner menu and delegate some Christmas wrapping..... Dinner menu for Christmas? Christmas Trees Christmas Gingerbread Advent wreath
The Web's First Japanese Pizza Page

I have to say I think these sound good. I was going to post this url as sort of a gag, and then I started thinking...."mmmm, this actually sounds yummy"

Except for the squid. I would pass on the squid, definately : "Hold that squid, Mitsuko". But 'Japanese Style' ? Yes, I would try that:

"The Flavor of Seaweed and Shiso Makes it All the Better!"
Toppings: Shredded Pork, Shimeji Mushrooms, Bamboo Shoots, Nori (seaweed), Shiso (perilla) Leaves

Or the Excellent:

""With Luxurious Toppings, this is the Definitive Mixed Pizza!"
Toppings: Pepperoni, Chopped Beef, Bacon, Mushroom, Eggplant, Tomato, Green Pepper, Garlic, Shimeji Mushroom, Onion

I found this url on what is now a famous blog: Mimi Smartypants

Interesting blog, but be warned that if blue language and questionable topics bother you, it might be better not to surf there. Just so you know.

======= on another note==========

I haven't been blogging much since my father has died. I am in charge of all the arrangements. But I took a few minutes to do some web things for a sort of mental relief. Upsaid has been down for quite awhile lately, which is where I was discussing things concerning my father.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Today's tea choice is Twinings Chinese Oolong. My husband located it at the store. Sturdy everyday sort of tea. Shouldn't be steeped overlong.

And don't ruin it with sugar!

I visited with my aunts at the hospital -in my dad's room- on Saturday. Tried to Christmas shop with my daughter yesterday..... overspent. Easy to do with a credit card. Had some Gloria Jeans latte at the mall, too. Good grief.... the amount of money that I can spend on a cup of coffee. And enjoy it too ;)

The trouble is that my mind is on hold. I blow my ideas of budgeting when not thinking. Fritter away. But I stop before doing much damage. Frugality is a habit, after all. Not a corset.

Don't ask me where that comment came from.......

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Here is a strange little pastime. Sort of relaxing.
...for tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally coarse in their
nervous sensibilites, or are become so from wine-drinking, and are not
susceptible of influence from so refined a stimulant, will always be the
favored beverage of the intellectual...
-Thomas De Quincy

There you go..... smart people prefer tea;)

Although still tired in many ways.... much of my anger has somehow vaporized. I don't know where this will take me , although perhaps it is the result of people praying for me and situations around me to resolve in peace.

Perhaps that is it. I am not overwhemed, but feel that I am backing away from my intense feelings.

I exercised today for the first time in forever. My blood pressure was sky-high this morning so I knew I could not keep putting it off. Exercise is one of the few things you can do for yourself to get more healthy pressures. Deal properly with stress, eat better, and exercise.

So I did maybe 30 minutes this morning. Yoga stuff mainly.

I leave you with this fabulous quote:

"Tea had come as a deliverer to a land that called for deliverance; a land of
beef and ale, of heavy eating and abundant drunkenness; of gray skies and
harsh winds; of strong nerved , stout-purposed, slow-thinking men an women.
Above all, a land of sheltered homes and warm firesides - firesides that
were waiting - waiting, for the bubbling kettle and the fragrant breath of
-Agnes Reppiler

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Now I remember......

I wanted to post my thoughts here but cluttered up the upsaid Opinion blog, instead.

I am tired of death and obstinance. I am tired of people who harm others and then say they have nothing to be ashamed of in how they live their lives. I am tired of greed and of excuses.