Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I was all happy today until I noticed that I ate some moldy cranberry bread. VERY unhappy, since I just bought it yesterday afternoon.

And previous to this I had been so satisfied with gustatory delights. OK, no one uses that language, but you have to admit it lights up the blog page. Better than "I was so happy eating...."

One reason: found real "fois de canard". That is right, duck livers instead of pork. I like liver pates if they are made from something digestable like duck:) Ate some on wheat crackers.

Made a very good Jambalaya with beef sausage last night. SO good! With petite pois and fresh sliced apples. The fam loved it.

Sometimes I don't really cook, and other times I get very experimental. Sometimes I get involved in real from-scratch cooking. It just depends.... but I hate moldy stuff that isn't supposed to be moldy. As opposed to bleu cheese, of course.

Here is a thought for Thanksgiving: how often do we let the little disappointments wipe out the larger satisfactions of our blessings?

Too often. Maybe it's that cotton feeling in my mouth. Must think of other subject.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Agonizing Prayer is an article worth looking at. I'm tired, it's late, but I want to revisit this. I could just bookmark it, but I think others would like to take a look at a discussion on what it will take to have real Revival.

Christian Goth is a very different mode of a Christian site. And see that picture? That's is what I would like to look like.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Feeling a bit better today.... the determination is kicking in. This is a good thing.

I'm afraid I will have to allow that some people will hurt. They will be disappointed that I am not my usual "trying to help them" self. Not that they wanted my help, but you know how people are when an option is removed. It makes them uncomfortable.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

a little later..... there are times I thought I was made to be a bitch. You know, the one that throws the monkey wrench in your life. The one who decides that someone has to take charge and so..... DOES.

But no one, including me, foresaw that I would become a Christian and that it would make all the difference.

I truly did not realize all the conflicts that would arise. Not that nice people have any less adjusting to do.

and that is the truth...

I am developing some annoying writing conceits, ...devices, whatever. Must stop that.
sugarmama: "I am one pissed-off, seriously miffed, grumpy, grouchy, hateful, spiteful and quick-tempered boiling cauldron of a woman. "

I can't believe it. Someone has described ME. ( but she has culturally acceptable reasons and me...me, I have asked for it....)

Yes, this is how I feel about myself right now. I cannot seem to negotiate between what I consider appropriate living and response and real life circumstances.....

I am at a quandary, a crossroads, maybe a Rubicon, I am not sure, but I know it sure makes me sad, upset, and irritable.

I do not now understand why I chose a life where family and family relationships would be so important. I certainly didn't have the circumstance and resource for it.

So I am not surprised at the disappointing results. Just incredibly sad.

My father I have a bit of understanding about. Not acceptance, but comprehension.

In my children, or my other relationships. No. I do not understand.

I realize I chose a life outside the mainstream of the way my culture was going. But the hurts and rejection of those I have given to.... that is beyond my kenning right now.

I hate myself. I hate that I feel like some poor sick puppy who was kicked and doesn't know why. And I hate writing this out so its pathetic self-absorption is so evident.

But you see, I do it anyway. And maybe there is my explanation.

And hell take the hindmost, I guess.

If you chanced upon this post, it is probably not what you wanted to find...

Like someone dumped a bit of something acrid within your cup, that you wanted something soothing from....

Well, this is what the inner workings of struggle look like. They are jagged, something of brimstone, and something of burnt flesh.

Ugly stuff at times, isn't it? Usually well hidden away. And that is why I put it here. I realized how very uptight I am in holding all the inappropriate responses within...lest I do real damage.

But I am going to have to do something with all of this if I do not want the witches brew it sounds like to congeal into what may be very hard to remove from my life.

It is not surprising that this would bubble up at the same time that I have received teaching on the Holy Spirit and held up my life anew for His access.

Expected. How can God help with something unless it is brought into full review? Things we had hoped were faded and gone away. Or at least boxed up properly. Opened post mortem?

This brings another thought. These things brought forth a thought that I feel like I am in a coffin this year, and I hear the nails of the lid secured. Then I thought "Is this death to self?" I thought death to self was something one made active choices in.

This feels more like people and events that I have no control over, asking that I absorb things that I have no ability left to absorb.

Observing the nailing of my own coffin. The death of hopes, the death of affections...... again.

And I find myself in a song of "How Long, O Lord?" How long?

It is losing its sense of meaning for me. Why do you bother with me God? What good is my life, my thoughts, my efforts?

Then I sit and wait. I remember. What is not apparent to me, is apparent to God. He is transcendent above all my understanding, all my mistakes, all my futile efforts....

and I just wait.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Pogo on a Trampoline: What Angus Knows

I thought this was hilarious..... when it comes to humor, this was my cup of tea.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Iconico - Color Picker

I downloaded this from a suggestion on this page, geekgrrl. It look like it will be really useful for graphics and color scheme layout work.

I probably have a number of downloaded programs that I forget the use for, but this looks like I will get much benefit from.
.:: chuggnutt ::. | What's Your Matrix Name?

Mine is 'Kismet', ...all I can say is: Was this fate?

And with slightly different choices, I get a last name of Winter or Ink.

That was just from playing around with this.....

Kismet Ink.

Look, I'm tired... I fool around like this when I'm tired.

The seminar was very good last night. I got home about 11-ish or so.

It wasn't new information for me, but it was a fresh look, and the worship was wonderful. I think what I actually need is about four hours of just worshipping that way.

I wish I could say that things in my life stayed at bay, but I gave place to them. Fortunately on the way to the seminar I was listening to a radio program which had a speaker talking about anger.

Anger is what is stealing so much from me this year. Rather, to which I hand over so much....

Anyway, the point was made that anger is a secondary emotion, an indicator that hurts are present. I could see that.

The only thing I am not sure of at this point in my life is how much do we open our lives to known perpetrators of hurt? The ones that seem to deliberately inflict hurt?

They are hurt themselves, I can see that.... but their ways of 'leaking" hurt and anger, which is how the speaker described passive aggressives, are often coverups...denying that they are hurt and angry.

Then, how do you address it with them?


The subject matter of the seminar was on God Himself, in the person of the Holy Spirit. How does it all combine? The speaker at the seminar pointed out that God is a person, that His Holy Spirit is a person. And as a person, He is free. Free to respond, free to act.

We lose sight of that. Especially if we concentrate on how to "get this or that" from God or methods on specific types of prayer or such types of emphasis in the teachings we listen to.

God can be hurt by us, and we can get angry at God. The avenues of communication can be narrowed. Somewhere in my mind I have a feeling that the necessity of forgiving others to receive forgiveness for ourselves is tied up in here somewhere.

That was not in the seminar, just something I am thinking I ought to pursue with a bit of study.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

I just remembered that I am going to a seminar tonight. I can't believe I forgot that! Especially after my oldest daughter...who invited me to go had dropped by to help me wax my legs and reminded me last night.

I am just so ditsy lately.

Well, I will go to the first of the three sessions tonight, and then ...I must of course.... report on it in the blog.

I forgot about it because it wasn't my idea, primarily, to go to it. But when I heard about it I thought it would do me some good- inspiration and all that!

It is on getting to know the Holy Spirit better. Since it is a Vineyard sponsored event I think I should get something just from going, especially if they have worship time.

Monday, November 10, 2003

CNN.com - Report: Mossad probing baby deaths - Nov. 10, 2003

Another reason to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best for both mother nad baby. And there is no risk of getting the formula wrong. How sad for the families of those babies who have died.

Friday, November 07, 2003

I don't want to compare myself with others. I don't want to feel all depressed and like a failure.

... but I do. Today I do.

I don't do enough and I don't do it right. I think I will go fix a cup of tea and forget all this.

Yes, I will tell what inspired this despondency. Not that you asked or wanted to know...

I read through some very successful websites that have beautiful gardens and gorgoues pictures taken by the women webmasters. Some of them have a fairly large family.

They tend to garden in West Coast gardens. I know my limitations. I know ... no, I don't really, and that depresses me.

Now, off for a bit of tea. And wow, I wish I had a pastry or something.....

Saturday, November 01, 2003

"The maccha tea was associated with the old feudal system and its popularity declined rapidly. Sencha tea, however, epitomized freedom and informality and became a symbol of the new society." -Japanese history of Tea

It is rather odd to think of the association of tea and politics. I wonder how much of our food and drink associations have political nuance? The Boston Tea Party might not have been only about taxes... ever thought of that? Who knows whether the overthrow of aristocracy was something of the overthrow of a whole way of thinking, a whole way of life... and the tea drinking that came with it.

Tea gained favor in Japan as a health giving beverage, and there are Englishmen who have sung its praises and surely raised their cups to its benefits.

There are times when tea is cheering, more than any other cup of choice.

types of tea and its history.
Seerveld Texts
I have my own Bible study page on the Proverbs 31 woman, so you can imagine my pleasure in finding this page!

An addition to understanding this passage of wisdom for women.