Friday, January 30, 2004

I never used to believe that it would help my problems very much to discuss them. I talk quite a bit once I get going, and don't mind discussing most things, but usually kept my innermost problems to myself.

I have been almost confessional on some of my blog posts, and am finding it does do some good after all. It has defused some things, helped dissipate some of their power.

So now I see why writing in a journal is reputed to be healthy.

I talked for a long time with an aunt this evening. Hugely long time. I don't know if that is really what I need in terms of talking about the past, etc. But sometimes it is, and sometimes it is about others needs. My father's birthday comes up soon.

Don't you wish you could rewrite others people's lives around you sometimes?

I never wish it in an actual way...but sometimes in a wishful thinking way. Not so it would be as I like completely, but because I feel they could be happier...only if....

Ridiculous point of view, but I think that way sometimes.


I am ranting on and on about Christian doctrine in my truegrit blog, but nobody cares. Or probably, they don't like it very well. Long religious things are not to most people's tastes. Most people want something to lighten and lift their day.

Chaque a son gout.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

a couple last things.... nobody buys anything from me :( I got my report from Amazon. $0.00 again ... I will never add to that paltry 1.75 from last year. I am a bust at business.

I will try to work on my webstuff better this year, maybe. I have tried out a number of blogs, and now will have to delete some. That is right... I opened up several more, just to see the format. But practically speaking there is no way I can handle the three I have now. One of the tea blogs will have to bite the dust in a couple months. Probably xanga. I don't creates angst. You get attached to this stuff.

The other thing is that I ran across some sites on Narcissism. Don't ask me how...just unfortunate web-linking. Anyway, it has caused me to revisit thoughts about my dad. And then look at my own life in ways that make me - I am lost for the word. Like sad, like deflated and flat, like upset but resigned. Know a word that encompasses that?

My dad was truly a narcissist, and I have to look at whether I am an invert type in a way, but I don't really think so. I have some of the symptoms, but most are of the past. And I had a sort of natural resistance, perhaps from things my mother instilled in me? I don't know. And my relationship with God short-circuited some of the really detrimental parts.

But some stuff is there, and certainly I haven't worked out some of what went on with my dad. He was awfully important to me. And in the last of his life I gambled and lost at trying to genuinely help him and yet retain my own life. If you know narcissists you know what that sentence means. It is very hard to be in relationship with one and still retain yourself. You accept the objectification, or you risk detonating the relationship.

I risked and lost. By the time I had access to my dad's life, he and his accomplice had lost too much of his physical ability to recover -or even to be comforted. I know it is not all that woman's fault, but it was some. And some was my fault. Much was my dad's fault, and some is probably unknown to me; maybe forever. But I don't know if the lines will ever be clear.

So when I come across something like those info sites.... I attempt to lay things to rest.

But they have been haunting me.
Only short stuff since I started the theological treatise (?!!) on truegrit. I sewed the head back on the bear for one of my little girls last week. Only took a year or so to get to it. heh.

In homeschool we read some material on ..... are you ready..... I have to look it up: the reticular formation of the brain. It was very complex. I will have to have us re-read after we are done with the rest of the booklet.

Fascinating stuff..... on how we program to expect certain things, and thus can fool ourselves. Prejudice in other words. Our brains actually function to have a sort of prejudice in judgement.

It is useful in important ways, I can see that. It keeps us from having to process all the information anew each time, it gives us a trusted base to work from in our decision and action. We have to learn some things, after all....can't approach all sensory input as totally new, we would never get anywhere.

But the whole concept of how that works makes other things about our thinking very suspect. I know we have checks and balances elsewhere... but that wasn't in this booklet. Just the fact that we catch ourselves and put our sensed facts to a check of logic or method, unless that is just another learned response to sensory input. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway.... I was probably more interested than the kids. They had to wade through all that technological language. That is why I want to revisit it. Putting repetition to use;)

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Nice Cup of Tea has lots of interesting stuff and a poll on Lapsang Souchong. Can I say "neato" , but I liked finding this page....
I have spent an unconscionable amount of time blogging, mostly in truegrit. Which is my "serious" blog. That is what I call it anyway.

It is all due to the fact that I got on the topic of religion. I always have lots to say on that topic.

I meant to do some garden journaling, but now I am not sure I should put more time in...well, while I make up my mind I will do the "movie thing" on yet another blog. The Xanga spicetea one. Is this like musical chairs, or what?

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

I have dared myself to clean house this week. I know that sounds simple and uneventful to many... but for those who really have no sense of joy in housecleaning.... you know my pain.

Anyway. Yesterday started out well enough. I cleaned a bunch of things and organized some. Today I got all caught up in cooking. That is fine, and technically domestic, but the house is not perceptibly better. I need a daily impetus forward in this thing. And my cooking was good enough that I have no left overs for tomorrow.

That wasn't supposed to happen. Although leftovers that don't get eaten would be worse. Then it is ....aggghhhh waste!. Waste not want not to haunt me through the month.

I struggle with things about my dad still, but I am past wanting to discuss it for now.

I ran across some blogs that have this mem to remember the eighties. Some guy said he didn't remember them, and that made me think of my reaction. I have a hard time remembering events if I have to -like put on the spot to remember. The eighties were a blur of trying to be "better" all busy and hardworking... the type where you work til you drop. Where you are too tired to go out even if someone else pays for it.

Now that is tired. And that is how I used to work myself...with the this old house, the kids, the homeschool, the church activities-neverending church activities multiplied by each kid plus the good Christian mom demands, the husbands needs and rants, the garden, the parents.... you get the picture. I get too weary to completely describe it.

Sometimes it makes me regretful. What did all that busyness accomplish?

I mean really.

I am thankful for the relative calm of my life now. I am thankful that I am not trying so hard. I am thankful that I can trust God.... that I don't have to manufacture a life. Just live one.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Three Word Syndrome - Band Name Generator : Angryblue... I want y'all to know that I am seriously considering getting blog titles form this thing. I will have to use it in the upsaid blog since this particular one doesn't seem to have individual post titles.

That is probably a good thing.

But wouldn't you read something called "Next Wednesday's Ashes"?
Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble� Score is: 16.
What is your score? Get it here.

Just something for fun. Plus I like the bright spot of color on the page.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Burningbird: To keep Burningbird or not is an example of a web-phenom. While some bloggers and people involved in the "blogosphere" are rethinking their involvement and their interest, it isn't something restricted only to "blogging". I have seen this type of 'burn-out', if you want to call it that, in Websites and with forum and list 'regulars'.

It seems to be a normal phase of relationship to ones online activities. It seems to be part of a continuum. First is the amazed newbie. Amazement at what is out there. Then comes the hardworking apprentice. This is where one learns all one can at becoming a participant. Then comes the full fledged idealist. A person who has reasons and needs for participation in this new found world online.

Eventually, each person hits more and more up against the realities of people and interactions and the "down-side" of online worlds. That is where some soul-searching takes place. On whether to continue or in what way to continue and what happened to all the idealism and the high hopes that the voyage began with.

Sometimes it is just a switch of gears, or some fine-tuning, sometimes it is an end of the road for that particular participant. However it goes, it seems fairly natural. It is individual in the directions and choices. It is also coming to terms with realities.

And we all have to do that in our lives. Even our online lives.
I spoke with the offending person about my upsettedness, the why of it. Whether it makes a difference I don't really know. Sometimes it helps to dissect the convoluted dynamics of passive aggressive behavior. Whether it actually changes anything, I can't say at this time.

Managed to spill coffee all over papers and the keyboard this morning. One time that I don't like that smell of coffee.

Do I sound negative enough yet?

I added the google bar into my browser. I think I like it. I am not really sure yet. I changed the toolbars all around, so have to get used to the back icon being in a different place.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

I am really really upset. REally upset.

I come home from an appt. and my youngest son's front permanent tooth is broken. There was nothing to say and I said nothing about it. In times past I would have vented my frustration. But the tooth is broken now and there is nothing I can do about it. He goes to the dentist next week for whatever repair they do on kids.

I am very unhappy... I would yell at people, but the problem is not new. So I just feel angry and write in this stupid blog which does -what? Nothing.

Things like this happen, but sometimes they happen because those who are supposed to handle things don't and won't. That is where my anger is. With that. And with the fact that nothing I do or say matters with certain people. They are just going to do what they want to do.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Back to many of my normal things. Including racking up fines on overdue books. All I had to do is renew them, but did I? No. I would rather finance the library system.

I need to take care of this tomorrow.

I did exercise today! That was a plus... it was just a bit easier than last time. Using the easy tapes, but very happy that I actually worked out.

Also took down the Christmas tree.

So much virtue in one day........

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Here is a commonplace question, that if you truly and seriously think about it, will strike you dumbfounded:
What do you really want out of life?

We formulate our answers and we sort of go on those answers for quite a long time in life. Most of us do. But for some reason we run into complications, perhaps not to rethink it all, but to result in lingering doubts and questions.

We say "love" or "security", or "family" or "money" or "success" or "prestige" or "respect" ..... any number of synonyms and antonyms with which we might summarize the longings and strivings of our lives.

Some of us know what we want at the root of it, but for a large portion, it is the costs and exchanges required that were not factored in.

That is where we find ourselves dumbfounded. Even if we wouldn't change the goals, the paths along the way are often nothing what we thought they might be.

How is it any of us even felt we could know that? Naive trust of the experts or our elders? Unthinking saturation of the culture and the educational process? Or did some of us truly know ourselves while others simply thought they may have?

How often do people engage in such thinking? Is it common or rare?

The vanity of life is that these questions and ruminations come later in life, when the options and the timeframes are shrunken.

As the Preacher in Ecclesiastes says "this also is vanity".

Saturday, January 03, 2004

I am spreading the blog. Yes, that's right. Have been telling different people about blogging and encouraging them to give it a try. Why not? Blog explosion may be a good thing.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Read this Purple Medical Blog, if you feel like getting all up in arms about the lastest medical releases.

I am sorry-but I can't get all overwrought about some loss of nutrients in broccolli from microwave cooking. But I like to look over some of the info, anyway. Like many health related things... it needs a grain of salt.

Some things just shouldn't be consumed salt-free.